Letting Go of A Dream

Too often, life doesn't go the way we planned.  It is a hard reality to accept. My kids balk "It's NOT FAIR!!" And I want to scream it, too. Though, I know it will do no good.

I don't even know why I am writing this post other than it is, once again, therapeutic. My heart is so heavy right now, it hurts. But that sounds so silly. Nobody died this time. Except my dream.

Oh, I sound sooo dramatic! I'm sorry! But let me explain.

For months I have been planning a Private Portrait Session with Santa. It turned into a great, big fun event at The @ Arts at West Cobb. Miss LaLa had planned an entire Holiday Party to break in the Holidays with, and the excitement was real! She had crafts, games, music, food and even a Magic Show planned! All that while we would be taking unique custom portraits with Santa during 15 minute private sessions. As the date neared (which was today, November 20) I got more and more excited, and nervous as well. But I had ideas just exploding out of me, and I literally could not wait. 

There were a few hurdles to jump. First, the decorations I had secured were lost. The home decor store who was going to supply them backed out 10 days before the event! I quickly found decorations, thanks to my wonderful church Burnt Hickory Baptist Church. But then, we HAD to find a Santa Chair!!! I called dozens of places. They all were either out of stock of the right kind of chair, or waaaay too expensive and unwilling to help with their price.  However, just 3 days before the event, as always, God comes through!  The company I have worked for, wow, for over 8 years, allowed me to use a chair in their front lobby! It was perfect! A burgundy wing-back chair with gold stud accents. Thank you Freedom Electronics!!

Since it all came together so perfectly, and God seemed to be ushering it all in, I thought, this was really it!! My big kick-off event!!! The opportunity I've been waiting for to get my photography business up and running. 

See, I was overwhelmed and truly honored by the response I received after I shot several maternity sessions and a newborn sessions over the summer. The momentum was really starting to pick up. Then, pregnancy nausea hit me like a ton of bricks and literally knocked me off my feet. I had to cancel, put off, and reschedule so many sessions. Oh, it was so hard. But I had to put baby first. After last year's miscarriage, I could not risk pushing myself for my own gain. 

Then, Thursday (November 18) was my birthday. And I woke up SICK. Sooooo sick. Actually, it started the night before, I had an almost 102 degree fever. I called my doctor right away and she said "TO BED!! I'll call you in a prescription, drink gobs of fluids, and take Tylenol around the clock until your fever breaks. Until it does, STAY IN BED!!"  By Thursday I was worse, had to cancel my fun, once-a-year birthday dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. But, I thought, if I rest, hopefully I will be better by the weekend. 

      NOPE.

By Friday I was worse. The doctor almost threatened to send me to the hospital for IVs. Luckily they decided not to yet. To let the meds run their course and see what happens then. 

But, it was clear by Friday evening that I was NOT going to be in any condition to take portraits of babies and children with Santa the next day. Oh, how my heart broke at the thought. But I realized, I needed to call a photographer I could trust to be my replacement. My sister couldn't do it. So then I called a friend from my last church whom I knew would understand. Robin Thackston Photography. She was unable to take it over as well, but she called her daughter, and she WAS available!!! Not only was she available, she had a shoot at 9AM literally 3 minutes from the even Saturday morning! I hated to admit it, but it's like God had it all taken care of, still. That was too perfect. So, Rachael Thackston Photography took over the event, and I hear it was a huge success. Yes, it just ended a couple hours ago. But I had to send someone to go pick up my church decorations, work chair, and backdrop. My dad went for me, and he came back raving, telling me they told him they were busy all day, and had tons of newborns. 

Oh, that hurt. Well, I was thrilled too, of course. But I couldn't help thinking, that was supposed to be MINE!!  I totally sound like a temper-tantrum throwing 2 year old. But I am just being honest. However, Rachael kept reminding me the importance of doing the best thing for my baby. And clearly, I needed to stay home, in bed. My fever finally did break around 12 this afternoon. Thankfully. But I couldn't have gone and risked my baby, and everyone else's baby for my own gain.

She also said that to give my dream over to God for my baby is the most important thing I could do. I knew she was right.  So I did.  I let go of my dream for the health of my baby.

However, the question begs to be answered: WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING? 

Honestly, I am wondering if God is trying to send me a message. Am I NOT supposed to be in photography? He CLEARLY had today's event all planned out, and excluding me! I don't know.  I guess I'll have to pray through it and try to hear what He is saying. I am sorry if I sound like a whiner. It's not sympathy that I want, just answers from the only One who can give them to me. And writing it out helps me vent. It's just so hard to walk while trying to trust Him, and you think He is guiding your steps and encouraging you in a particular direction. But then, the door slams shut and you're left totally dazed and confused. I am sure I am not the only one who has experienced this. I just hope to learn from it and be able to hear what He wants from me next. I have no idea what to do next.

In the mean time, I thank Santa Clause, Miss LaLa, and Rachael Thackston for all your hard work! Thank you for your flexibility and understanding Santa and Miss LaLa! I am very sorry I couldn't be there. But thank you for rescuing the day, Rachael!

I am TRULY so glad it turned out to be such a great event!