Friday, December 4, 2009

"Strange" Peace?

This is going to be a tough post to write, but it is one many of you have encouraged me to write, so here goes.

Many of us walk through storms, and our Father in Heaven promises to see us through. Last week, I walked through a storm. However, I know I wasn't alone. It was one of those experiences that  no one can ever take away from me. One of those experiences that I will remember forever, and for that I am grateful. No, the circumstances weren't good. They were awful in fact. But the closeness I felt with God is irreplaceable.

On October 10, 2009, we found out I was expecting again! Baby #4!!! We were shocked, surprised, nervous and very excited. It wasn't planned, but we relished the idea anyway. Already, we all started dreaming about this new little bundle of joy. The boys were thrilled and started coming up with names! They were sure it was another baby sister.

However, on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, I started bleeding. My sweet husband researched it online and found that though bleeding during pregnancy is not good, it does not always mean trouble. I called my doctor and she put me on bedrest. "If anything changes, go to the hospital. Otherwise, stay resting until we can see you on Monday," she said. Of course, this occurs over a holiday weekend! 4 days I had to wait to see my doctor, unless something changed, which, of course, I didn't want it too. Things didn't look too bad so I resolved myself to remain optimistic.

I started focusing on wonderful dream I had the week before, the night before my birthday. In that dream, all my family and friends had come over to celebrate with me, and we were grilling on the back deck. I excused myself to go lay down as I was still in the very tired stage of the pregnancy, and when I layed down I fell asleep and had a dream. In the dream I got up and re-joined my family and friends on the back deck and I saw an old dear friend. He was one of my best friends, someone we all still love very much. He passed away too young in the year 2000, but he still effects our lives to this day, as I still find myself mourning the physical loss and all I have not been able to share with him. Andy Parish. God has used him and his memory to speak to me before though. But this time, I thought to myself, as the dream felt so real... how are you here? And he replied, "I want to introduce you to your daughter," and he held her out for me. They were both so real. I touched them both, their hair, their hands, and they felt as real as if I touched yours. What a joy!

I woke up startled but realized it wasn't just a dream. It was confirmation that my good friend Andy was still with us, though in Spirit and waiting for us in Heaven. And he had already met my baby girl!!! I held on to this as confirmation that everything would be ok.

I think I drove Chris crazy though, because he could tell I wasn't fully letting go. I was obsessing, as I tend to do. So, I started praying.

"Please God, help this baby be OK. Please make the bleeding stop. Please help us get better."

That was all I could do. I felt so helpless.

By Friday, the bleeding had not stopped. Actually, it had increased.  I began to fear the worst. I called the doctor again:

"Are you in pain?"  No.
"Are you bleeding a lot in 1 hour?" No.
"Then you're fine. No need to worry. The fact that we saw the baby on a sonogram on November 13th is a very good sign. Just rest and we'll see you first thing Monday morning."

"OK, calm down Dianne" I thought to myself. But I knew. I felt what was happening.

Sunday morning came, and I was not allowed to go to church. Bored out of my mind, I picked up my Bible and started to read, mostly to distract myself. Not because I was feeling super-godly. Then, I read something that stopped me in my tracks: Ezekiel.

God is giving Ezekiel instructions about a very specific message He wanted Ezekiel to deliver to Israel. But, one particular set of instructions just horrified Ezekiel. "Not so Sovereign Lord!!" He cried out, and begged God not to make him do that particular thing. (I'll spare you the really gross details, but if you're curious you can read it in chapter 4 of Ezekiel.)

What happened next blew me away though: God said "Very well, I will let you do it this way instead of that way."


What was this? A MAN changed the mind of the GOD OF THE UNIVERSE??

Immediately, I dropped to my knees. Horrified at what was obviously happening inside of me, I cried out to God: "NOT SO, SOVEREIGN LORD! YOU CAN STOP THIS!! PLEASE, PLEASE STOP THIS! PLEASE, SAVE MY BABY! PLEASE, HELP ME CARRY THIS BABY TO TERM. PLEASE, MAKE THIS PREGNANCY STICK! PLEASE GOD!"

Then came the very, VERY clear response: "OR, I can promise you that you WILL meet her one day."

I looked up. What? Did I just hear that? Did I think that? WHY would I THINK THAT!?

No, that was an answer, directly from the Lord, God Almighty HIMSELF!

Yes, I cried.

But, I also surrendered

 There was nothing I could do to stop it. Also, I was worrying my other three kids sick. Besides. God just made me the BEST PROMISE possible.


That is when it arrived. The strange peace. I will be OK. I have three beautiful, healthy children here on earth to continue caring for. And I have one beautiful baby girl waiting for us in heaven.

Yes, I had to continue the path I was on. I still wasn't bleeding much. I wasn't really in pain. But I knew how it would end. And yet, somehow, I was OK with that.

Then, at 5:30 that evening, it hit me. A crashing wave of pain like I have never felt before. I didn't even hurt this bad when I went into labor with my two boys. WOW. Now my prayer changed:

"God, help me through this!" to "GOD! PLEASE HELP ME! MAKE IT STOP!"

And suddenly, it did. I knew it was over. November, 29th at 6:30 pm, my baby was gone. No longer here on earth anyway, but somewhere MUCH, MUCH better. And I am OK with it.

I really am. I keep saying this in answer to all the inevitable questions: "I have a strange peace about it all."

Then I realized, why is it so strange? I know where it comes from! And it is not strange that our loving God would have mercy on a child of His and grant her peace over such a loss, instead of allowing her to wallow in deep sadness. No, instead He gave me the dream of Andy holding my daughter to SHOW me she IS OK. And He SPOKE to me the words of promise, that I WILL SEE HER one day.

And believe me, I KNOW it came from God Himself. How? Because if you know me even a tiny bit, you know I am waaaaaay emotional! I cannot control my emotions INSIDE of me for anything. I can control how I show them to the world, but inside of me, no way. And yet. Deep down, inside, I am really at peace. Yes, I lost my baby. My baby (girl?) that I dreamed of giving birth to in June 2010, that I already saw playing and running and dancing with her big sister and big brothers, will not experience any of those things.

But, I have a very real peace. The only reason I call it a Strange Peace is because to the everyone else, I should not be OK with this.  At least, not yet. Not just days after it happened at least. I had a kind co-worker tell me yesterday when I went to the office that she was worried about me. She didn't expect to see me this week. Not even next week. She was surprised I was there yesterday.

I don't say that to pat myself on the back - not at all. If it was up to me, I'd still be in bed bawling. But no, God replaced the grief in my heart with peace, hope, and yes, even joy. I HAVE ANOTHER BABY GIRL!  She will never suffer heartache, physical pain or sorrow. (As my sweet hubby gently reminded me.) She is with Jesus, celebrating His Love and Life this Christmas like we could only dream! And she is waiting.

Until we can all be together, forever.

We love you, baby Camryn.


  1. Oh my darling. I love you so much. Yes, this is our loving Father God. It is His Peace in your heart and in mine. He gives us all the love we need and peace when we can't change the things that we cannot change. My heart is with you, always. I am proud to be your mother on this Earth. I love you.

  2. You are in my prayers my sister in Christ. I too went through this same process and I too have a sweet baby in heaven to meet. Others were at a wonder as to the peace I also received. In the emergency room, they could not believe my calmness. That can only come from our Creator God himself who controls the womb. One of my grand daughters once asked "Granny, why didn't God give you any girls?" (only 2 boys) and I told her He did, He was waiting to give me grand daughters, she smiled. I don't know if my heavenly baby is a boy or girl but I'll know them when I get there, a promise from my God!

  3. Dianne, I lost a baby just before I got pregnant with my second, Anthony. From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I KNEW without a shadow of a doubt that it was a boy and we had already planned to make him a junior. I didn't have days of bleeding because it started one day and completed that night in a rush of pain worse than nearly anything I've ever felt. I know that little Deuce (Daniel Jr) is watching us in Heaven and sent us the rest of our precious children. You're in our prayers, sweetie.