Thursday, May 26, 2011

Brokenness Behind the Mask

I have debated writing this post for a long time. However, now the heaviness in  my heart is so burdensome, I must unload it somewhere. For me, this is my safest place to do so.  I have talked about our need to be real with each other and stop playing pretend, like we have to keep our happy masks on all the time but instead share when we are struggling or sad as well. When you are real only then can you have a real relationship. Anything else is fake. I can be fake no longer. This is me behind my masks today:

I feel like an utter failure. 

  1. My kids are out of control- whining, disobeying and generally lazy. And I know the only one to blame is me. But I do NOT know how to fix it.
  2. My house is a certified disaster. When I read other blogs/posts searching for help about this general topic there is inevitably some Clean Queen who comments something like "I never have trouble keeping my house clean.  I enjoy it actually... I don't understand what your problem is." Me neither. But obviously, there is one.
  3. My envy of stay-at-home-moms is reaching an all time peak. I am incredibly and unbearably overwhelmed juggling 4 kids now, plus the house and a full-time job. As a result, I am trying to figure out a way to "fix it" instead of relying on God that He can and will and wants to provide a way to give me the deepest desires of my heart. So I know I am missing His blessing in a way I cannot comprehend. But I can't stop myself.
  4. Most of all, I find myself crying every single night with a broken heart as another day ends without any contact from one of the most important people in my life. When you are growing up, there is so much you take for granted. Like unconditional love. Then when you grow up and realize it is conditional for some people, it is hard to reconcile this in your head and heart. I keep telling myself  "You're a grown up now!!! (get over it!)" But I still feel like an insecure 16 year old girl most of the time. Especially when feeling the sting of rejection from someone who is supposed to be a rock in your life. I guess the lesson here for me is there truly is only One Rock in this life for us all. And only He can be truly relied on. Everyone else is just human and prone to let you down. Now, how can I write that and know it in my head yet somehow forget it in my heart?

And now, after thoroughly unloading my heart on you all, I feel the need to write a disclaimer. Yes, I know I am so very blessed. And I am incredibly grateful for the many blessings in  my life! I also know life is never perfect. (What is "perfect" any way?)  I just share what I feel to reach out and test the waters, to vent so it doesn't build up inside, and to, hopefully, help others know they are not alone if are dealing with similar situations. Life has seasons. I am fully aware of this. We are in a tough, hard season and we know a much better one is around the corner. I am very much looking forward to it! Until then, writing how I feel now is the only way I know to get through this one, though.  Oh, but three kisses from the three sweet angels sleeping behind me (yes.. I see the irony in this description in light of point #1 above. Keyword: "sleeping"!) totally helped tonight. =)



  1. I'll start off with giving you a big hug!

    I don't have answers for your problems, but I'll tell you that my house is a mess too. I'm still living with boxes all over the place. I know we don't talk as much as we used to, but know that I love you and think about you! Looking forward to seeing you this summer!

  2. The only "utter failure" is to continue to pretend you have it all together lol, no one does! Now that you have unleashed all of that, you are starting to do what you are supposed to, let it go and watch God work. I have learned through my own hard lessons (and some help from school) is that holding it is you really holding control of it. You gotta let that control go in order for things to start working. You are one of my favorite people in the world, and you already know that, and to watch you beat yourself up over stuff kills me. You are right there are some things you cannot change, ie people, and some things you can. And the older you get, the wiser you are to know the difference. You are getting there, writing that is an awesome step. I could totally go into a "session" but I won't, but I can promise you that everything you talked about, someone else is going through so you are not alone in this :). You will help other people by letting them in on what you think are weaknesses (but they really are not) and at the same time help yourself by letting go of some of that. We need to talk soon, maybe we can come up with things together but more than that we could just have a conversation......which is time you deserve to have (and I dont mean just with me, with whoever you want). <3 ya, keep your head up because you are doing better than you give yourself credit for, and call me when you "give" yourself a moment ;)