That "Feeling"

One thing I always doubt when I don't feel it is how do I hear God? But then, when I get "That Feeling", that Tug regarding an idea (often a CRAZY idea!) that I just can't shake or ignore, I know THAT'S God talking to me!

Lately, it's about children. Orphans and Foster kids specifically. I can't get them out of my head. I can't get them out of my heart. We have been in our new house 2 weeks, and this place feels like the tip of the iceburg, like something HUGE is headed our way. Something HUGE, and possibly SCARY, but also very WONDERFUL.

Just "by chance" (or is it?) I have recently run into several blogs and blog posts about Foster children. One post in particular was titled "What if we'd said no?" It hit me like a ton of bricks, and I felt like she had written it just for me.

We have always felt the tug to adopt. Before we had kids, I think even while we were dating, we knew we'd adopt some day. When the adoption of my cousins in Colombia came up, we thought that was why, but then it fell apart after a year and a half. And we were broken hearted and confused. Then we lost our "Adoption home" and moved into a tiny ranch and were really confused.

But now, we are in another perfect "adoption  home", with plenty of space for as many kids as God is willing to give us. And we felt like, when the time is right, we'll do it. He'll provide everything we need.

But lately, I am getting "that feeling" like That Time is Now, not years from now. And it is scary. So many questions...

• I already struggle to mother 4 kids with 2 jobs, how could I handle any more? Especially if they are hurting?
• We can barely make ends meet with what we have, how would we afford it?
• We just moved in! We aren't even unpacked! Would we even pass a Home Study?
• I still have soooo much to learn about cooking and organizing. My current kids just go with the flow, but how can I expect new kids to deal with this craziness? No, we'd never pass a Home Study!

But then this question....

What am I missing by saying no, not right now?

Oh goodness, Father, where are you taking us? I'm excited and scared.

A New Season Begins

One of my (many!) favorite verses in the Bible is





"To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under the sun."       Ecc 3:1 
It goes on to explain how in life, we go through all kinds of season... a time to cry & a time to laugh, a time to mourn & a time to dance, a time to be silent & a time to speak, even a time to love & a time to hate. This verse helps me keep life in perspective, I have learned to cherish and savor the wonderful times, and just grin and bear it through the hard time because it is just that... a hard time, a season that will soon pass.

I am so excited to realize our family has just entered a new season in life. In the past 2 years, we have survived really tough season - loss of our family business (Real Estate), a failed adoption (Both stories are sprinkled throughout several posts), miscarriage, passing of my sweet mother-in-paw due to breast cancer, passing of my precious grandmother due to Alzheimer's in November (this hurt so much I haven't even written a post about it. I am still walking through the grieving process, and will write about it soon). But it is clear God brought us through stronger than ever and has now brought us into an exciting, new season.

First, He brought us to an amazing new church... a small church called Mt. Calvary Baptist Church with the most amazing pastor, staff and church family! We still love BHBC and they will always hold a special place in our hearts as church that we grew up in. But Mt. Calvary has some exciting new programs challenging each of us in our little family! The kids are loving the Awana's program! Then the adult Sunday School classes were challenged to each create a community project to begin, fund & implement. Our Pastor's style is so refreshing, so enlightening, and so challenging. We learn something from him EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. (And he teaches us 3x a week! He is our Sunday School teacher, and leads a Bible Study for the adults during the kids' Awana's time on Wed!) And his wife is just as incredible, her passion for children is obvious and they learn so much from her, too!

Then, in 2 weeks we will move into a home of our own. We've been renting for a year and a half after losing our home to due the loss of our Real Estate business. We thought that house was our "forever" house, big enough to house all the children we felt God was going to bless us with through natural and adoptive means. When we lost it and moved into a small 3BR ranch, we were confused, wondering why God would have blessed us with 3 wonderful children, and placed the desire to adopt more when we wouldn't have the room for them.

18 Months later.... we now have the most amazing house! It has 5 bedrooms, 3 bonus rooms and a full basement! (It's weird, though, bc it doesn't look huge from the outside.) It also  has an amazing yard and is located on the cul-de-sac!  It is a perfect home for kids, and since we now have 4 tummy children, it fits us perfectly! Baby Sunshine will have his own room!

Yet, it doesn't feel complete!

That makes us both excited and nervous about the road ahead. We've always know we were going to adopt, and we thought Brayan and Yorely were it! As broken hearted as we are about that not working out, we remain in contact with them and are proud of the new & improved choices they are making. (Update soon!) We have no idea where God will take us, but we know He has had a plan, (always has!) and we feel like we are entering a new, happy season. Some new ideas He is placing in our hearts:

• Fostering to adopt??  - this is both scary and wonderful! Can't wait to share more about this!
• Becoming a Stay at Home Mom - you know I deal with so much guilt about having to work. It has been particularly hard since Mr. Sunshine was born. Mothering 4 kids and working 2 jobs has been harder than ever. But lately, we are both feeling it might be time to find a way for me to stay home? We have no idea how, but we know God can work anything out. It's not just about my guilt, it's about the kids' needs, they need more time than we have with both of us working. And adding more through fostering/adoption would only increase this need.
• Chris changing jobs - teaching has become increasingly more stressful, demanding and much less enjoyable. And the pay does not meet our needs, thus why I have to work full time. They are taking away the teachers' power to discipline in the classroom, creating more and more chaos and cutting their pay. He works more and gets paid less, he can't teach the students the way they need because they are always changing and implementing "new strategies". Something has to change. He is miserable.

It's so hard not knowing what is coming next, but know He is in control is exhilarating!

We can't wait!

  

I Seriously Need a Castle...

... And not because I want to feel like a princess, though that would be nice, too. No, the reason I need a castle is because I desperately want to adopt like, all the homeless/orphaned/under-loved kids in the world.

Photo for Puzzle Peace only. Do not copy or download.

I can't help it....

You see, Sweet Baby started smiling! And he smiles so much, like all the time, even during diaper changes! So I decided I'll start calling him Smily Boy, and I was just loving seeing his smile, after smile, after smile.

But suddenly, when I looked into his big bright eyes as I kissed him and told him how wonderful he is and how much I love him, I was suddenly (and then consistently) rushed with a flood of knowledge that there are waaay too any kids out there who are never kissed or hugged or told they are loved or wonderful. Or worse, they are often told they are worthless and unlovable.  Then my heart breaks. Over and over and over again.  (Am I messed up that a kiss on my new baby's cheek leads me to tears on a regular basis?)

My solution... Adopt them all!!! WaHoo! That would be AWESOME!!!

However, in the real world, that is quite impossible. I realize that.

BUT... If I had a castle, I totally could. And I would!

Until then, I gotta figure out what I CAN do to help those kids. Or else my heart won't stop breaking.


Any suggestions? 




PS: Share with us something you felt/feel strongly called/ drawn to. What are you doing to achieve  it or get closer towards achieving it? 

Accepting Baby Steps

Whew!! What a crazy few months it's been!  In the past several months we have moved, had 2 birthday parties, started a new job (hubby), gone on a way-overdue vacation and survived morning sickness with baby #4! Its almost gone, I can feel it! Or maybe I'm just being optimistic because I am soooo ready to get back to shooting!

This is a shot I was so excited to capture! The Lego Statues at Downtown Disney
fascinated me! And apparently the squirrels too!

The lighting on it was tricky though, because I was actually standing under an awning, and the
sun was on the other side of the statue. The first time I shot it, you couldn't see the squirrels at
all for the blow out of light around them. After adjusting for that using all that
I've learned so far ;) I shot this one. Seriously, if I can do it, SO CAN YOU!

In effort to shoot as many new pictures as I can (the more I shoot, the more I learn!) I have decided to create a new goal for myself: From now on, ALL the illustrations on my blog will be using MY OWN pictures! I hope to get creative and shoot some really artistic photos to use for this purpose :) I think my baby sister can help with this too, and it will be great fun working with her on it! Since I not only use this blog to showcase my portrait photography and blog about those stories as well as stories about my own life, I want to tie it all together with the one over-arching theme that seems to cross over into everything I do: Art. I love ALL Art: from paintings to photographs, music, dance, and theatre - it all fascinates me. It always has. This seems to be a common bond for many of us on a universal level. So this will be the common thread I hope you see throughout all the posts, both the professional and personal ones :)

On that note, I am getting really excited, and honestly humbled, by the direction my photography is taking. In December last year I wrote a post about desperately trying to hear God, and what He's calling me to do in life. I felt unfulfilled because I had not found that yet, and I was aching to be in the middle of His will. Some of you may relate to this, others may not. But I think all of us, regardless of beliefs, desire to feel a sense of accomplishment. When we do something we love, we feel it with our entire being, and we effect others in a positive way. When we don't, we dread every second of it and effect others in a negative way.

So I began searching for what my calling might be. I felt so lost because my passions lead in so many different directions. However, little did I realize that God was going to lead me there! It was just going to take a series of tiny little baby steps.  Now, as I look back at just the past 10 months, I can see God's fingerprints on everything that has happened! Which only makes me SOOOO excited about the steps to come. But let me back up and explain:

• The update on that post mentions about how in the short months between the original post and the updates, I met so many photographers willing and excited to help me and I had learned so much it was overwhelming (in a very good way!)
• One of those photographers took me on as a mentor and walked me through so much! She even invited me to help her on a newborn shoot.
• One of the other photographers, a great friend from high-school I was able to reconnect with, has been an endless source of information, patiently answering all my questions and offering all the advice she can think of. Then SHE invited me to a family portrait session with her! It was such a great learning experience!!
• Then I started practicing on family and friends, and their response was greater than I ever expected coming from my first few "professional" shoots. (I've been shooting since I was 13, but never under the intention of doing it professionally until now.)
• Suddenly I had people asking me to book session after session! All in a matter of 8 or so months!! I honestly never dreamed of it going so well. The only thing I can say is that God has been behind it all. There is no other explanation. 
• Then I had the idea (out of "nowhere" ... ahem... so like God) to join forces with my good friend Santa Claus for a special portrait event. I was unsure if he would be able to attend though, seeing as he gets incredibly busy this time of year! However, he loved the idea and was willing to make room in his schedule to come down and join us! All I had to do was find a location to host us...
• Then, tada! It the idea for the perfect place to host Santa for portraits falls into my lap: Miss LaLa's Treehouse, now called The Arts @ West Cobb! They are all about ALL THE ARTS!!! How fitting!!! 

When I called them, they loved the idea! And so now, I have a great opportunity to join forces with a company who is not only willing to host us for Christmas but would also like to host us for a Halloween/Fall portrait session and see why else our paths might have Purposely crossed! I meet with her tomorrow so I will be sure to let you know the details we work out. But all I can say is that I could never have imagined all these baby steps were even possible, let alone that I would be walking them.

Why am I sharing all this with you??

We all have dreams. Some of you dream about photography like me! (I hope to "pay it forward" and help you as others have helped me! Email me for more info!) The rest of you long after a myriad of other dreams. One of my goals with this blog is to inspire you to dream them, and do whatever it takes to follow them. Even if it takes itty bitty almost invisible baby steps. You never know where you will be a year from now if you do. But if you never try, you'll never reach it. God plants those dreams in our hearts! He wants SO MUCH MORE FOR US than we can ever imagine! 

Choosing Between Better or Best (Elegir Entre Bastante Bien o Lo Mejor)

Do you prefer good enough or the best?

Prefieres lo bueno o lo mejor? (Para leer esto en español haga clic aquí)

I'm cracking up at the thought of what I'm about to tell you because I really can’t believe it myself: recently I started to listen to sermons online!  It cracks me up because I remember my Grandma Lee listening to sermons on the radio or on tape and thinking to myself “why does she do that? She goes to church every Sunday, and she still wants to hear more preaching!?” I totally didn’t get it, but I did know it was because she loved the Lord, that much was obvious. I loved going to her house, it had a different feeling about it. She had a different way about her. But I did not understand her desire to read the Bible so much and listen to “extra” sermons all the time!

But OH! What God has revealed to me this week has completely blown me away! The more I listened, the more I wanted to hear! The more I learn, the less I realized I know and the more I wanted to study! Now, I must confess, I am nowhere near my Grandma Lee yet, but I am so excited to finally understand her!! I hope to one day be as good as she is at reading the Bible regularly and emanating the love of Christ as she does. 

I am so excited about this that I decided to begin blogging about what God’s teaching me to share with you these amazing sermons and see if we can all grow closer to Him together.

The first one I want to share with you is from Pastor Mike Fabarez from www.FocalPointMinistries.org and his series called “Adding to your faith”. They are available on their website if you want to listen to it yourself (HIGHLY recommend you do! It’s amazing! You can find the series here.)

He focused on the word “goodness” in 2 Peter 1:5, which says:  “…make every effort to add to your faith goodness…”

The word for goodness Peter used here was “agathosune” which meant more than just our word for good; it meant noble, moral, and excellent.

So God’s standard  for us is excellence- but we often think of our Christian walk as just a choice between good and bad. For example, if we don't kill anybody that means we are good!

But here we see that is not what God intended! He wants us to choose between better and BEST!

For example, when I wake up in the morning, I don't think to myself “Should I love my husband today or hate him?” But God wants me to take it further than that...

Pastor Mike goes on to show how this standard of excellence should affect our thoughts and our words:

1. Excellent Thoughts: Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”
   
   So if God demands we have excellent thoughts, then we have to do better than believing we are doing good because we don’t think about stealing when we go in a store. No, God wants excellence in our thoughts, so we have to be careful what we put in our head that guides our thoughts. Like that movie playing at the theatre. We don’t go see “bad” movies, but that’s not the choice! Are the movies we are watching excellent? What about the TV shows? Are they excellent? Preaching to the choir here because I know my favorite show probably would not fall into the excellent category.
   
   
2.  Excellent Words: Ephesians 4:29 “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
   
   WOW!  So not only does God want us to avoid unwholesome talk, but He wants us to use ONLY words that will build others up according to their needs (which may not always be necessarily easy to hear) AND to benefit the other people listening as well!! That’s a lot to think about before choosing our words!!
   

I wanted to share this because these words from Pastor Mike Fabarez really challenged me. I have blogged about how I feel God calling me to do MORE with my faith, my life. Hearing this message really felt like God was speaking right to my heart, challenging me to add to my faith.

Why should we want to add to our faith? That will be my next post. Please come back and read it; the answer to that question shook the foundations of my comfy life. I’ll leave you with a quote from Pastor Mike:

“In Real Estate, buyers often want to buy the nicest house at the cheapest possible price. Well we Christians do the same: we want all the best blessings of a good Christian life the cheapest possible price.”

The Call

How do you know when God calls you? This is not a rhetorical question. If you have an experience that might answer this, please, leave a comment below and share it with us. We are eager to know.

I wish it was as obvious as this picture. Or Bill Engvall's "Here's your Sign". 

You see, Chris and I have been on a journey for about 6 years now. A journey we thought was culminating soon to the purpose God had planned all along, but now we feel as lost as we did 5 years ago. It seems the closer we get, the farther we are. The more time we spend with Him, the less we understand. Though, you would think it would be the other way around.

I'm going to do my best to explain this, but, you see, it is a general overwhelming feeling that is really tough to put into words. This is going to be a long, seemingly random hodgepodge of stories. Nevertheless, if you feel like reading, here goes:

Six years ago, Chris and I were still fairly newlyweds: 3 years, but no kids, enjoying married life, our jobs  and  hanging out with friends. But we started to feel unsettled. There has to be more to life. Yes, we wanted kids, and they would come, in time. But we felt like God wanted us to do even more. We are both shy by nature, uncomfortable until we really get to know someone, yet we both have this passion for people. Especially youth. We were working for a church, Chris as a youth leader and I was the part-time secretary. We were building our new Real Estate business. Chris was also teaching and I was finishing school to become a teacher as well as working a great local small business getting to use my Spanish. Yes, we were juggling many balls in the air. Still, we felt like God wanted MORE.

Since then, we've added three kids here and one in heaven. Plus two in Colombia we feel are our own though we can't bring them home due to immigration's red tape. We have served in various churches and made a full circle coming back to our home church at Burnt Hickory Baptist. And the feeling that God wants MORE has only gotten stronger.

We thought it would be fulfilled by adopting Brayan and Yorely, but the more we obeyed the more red tape we were dealt.

When Chris was layed off we thought maybe God wanted to send us elsewhere for a job. In an attempt at obedience, Chris sent out applications all over. No reply.

Before we get any farther, let me explain that I do know that God has given us one of the most important ministries you could have: our kids. We value that tremendously and do not take it lightly. However, as we go about our day-to-day activities, I still have this incredibly unsettled feeling that He wants me to do MORE.

We have inside us a burning passion for three major groups of souls:

1. Kids & teens who need love.
2. Young people who are bombarded through music, TV and movies with the cultural message that pre-marital sex is not only OK, but necessary in a relationship in today's modern world.
3. Married couples who face struggles with sexual temptation outside of God's beautiful design.

This passion is an all-consuming, deep-burning fire inside both of us. And so far, with no outlet. What happens to a building when an all-consuming fire burns within it? It implodes and falls apart. That is pretty much where we are today.


***Don't get me wrong, we love our life and we realize we are greatly blessed. And we are GRATEFUL.***

 But it is this very grattitude that creates in us the desire to give back. To serve our Father who has lavished so many blessings upon us.

Yet we remain lost in the dark. So many paths we thought He was guiding us on have failed:

• Real Estate: We sincerely thought we were called to provide a much needed service (Real Estate) in a much needed different way (with honesty, integrity and no-compromise dedication) - not that there aren't any such Realtors already, however, we know from experience, there are not many. The industry is overrun with deciet, selfishness, and general lack of customer service. It has been tough holding the line of black & white, right and wrong. So many in this industry believe in "gray areas". However, as much as we have poured into this business, it has yet to succeed. And I am not sure how much longer I wish to pursue it.
  
  
• Other Careers: Besides Real Estate, I have also had the dream, desire, or calling (?) to:
• be a history, music or drama teacher
• pursue photography
• write fiction novels
• write books about God's beautiful amazing design for sex
  
  All of these are paths I could see God leading me on to reach people for Him. I have unfinished pieces, schooling, or projects for all of the above, and more. Many people struggle with finding what they "want to be when they grow up." Though I genuninely love what I do as a part-time stay at home mom, sales rep and Realtor, I still feel like I am not where God wants me.
  
   
• Adoption: We both knew we were called to adopt since we got married. We trusted God would show us the who, when, where and how when His time was right. We were sure this was confirmed in July with Yorely and Brayan. However, since then, one road block after another, it seems like perhaps He is still saying "not yet." With Yorely's 16th birthday arriving in March, the deadline is quickly approaching.
  
  
• Youth Work: We have lovingly and excitedly served in various churches. Just when it seems like things were about to "take off" God gave us a clear sign it was time to move on. We have had to leave so many students we had fallen in love with, churches we grew to be family with, and goals we were about to see met. It was all in God's timing and we heard of wonderful, great things that occurred with each group after we left. Still, it hurt to not be a part of that.

I know it may seem like I am being ungrateful, and I assure you I am not. I truly love my life. I feel genuinely spoiled by my Abba Daddy. Precisely so, I want to serve Him. I want to share this love inside me that feels about ready to explode. I was to let this burning passion consume others for Him. But how? This is a question I have yet to clearly hear Him answer. I have so many ideas coming at me a hundred miles an hour, but no outlet. No confirmation from Him where and how to do them.

I am about ready to implode, so I had to let it out somehow. This post was more a therapeutic one than a purposeful one. Unless, of course you know how to answer the question. = )

********************UPDATE: 2/5/10***********************

HOLY WOW!

Since posting this, I had many friends and family members make suggestions, and I thank you! I was humbled by your suggestions, and honored by the idea of some of the things you could see me doing. And your encouragements let me to seriously think about your suggestions. Then after a series of events, I suddenly find myself studying photography and getting help from two professional portrait photographers! I AM BLOWN AWAY!

It is amazing how God leads us, step by step through the plan He already has for us. When I posted this I was feeling stuck in a rut, and with no direction to go in. Now, I am thoroughly enjoying my photography studies, and thrilled at the idea that this may really be my calling. I have met so many people already and can see how this could lead to meeting many, many more. And since life is all about relationships to me, what a perfect avenue this could be! I can't wait to see where God takes me from here.