A New Season Begins

One of my (many!) favorite verses in the Bible is





"To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under the sun."       Ecc 3:1 
It goes on to explain how in life, we go through all kinds of season... a time to cry & a time to laugh, a time to mourn & a time to dance, a time to be silent & a time to speak, even a time to love & a time to hate. This verse helps me keep life in perspective, I have learned to cherish and savor the wonderful times, and just grin and bear it through the hard time because it is just that... a hard time, a season that will soon pass.

I am so excited to realize our family has just entered a new season in life. In the past 2 years, we have survived really tough season - loss of our family business (Real Estate), a failed adoption (Both stories are sprinkled throughout several posts), miscarriage, passing of my sweet mother-in-paw due to breast cancer, passing of my precious grandmother due to Alzheimer's in November (this hurt so much I haven't even written a post about it. I am still walking through the grieving process, and will write about it soon). But it is clear God brought us through stronger than ever and has now brought us into an exciting, new season.

First, He brought us to an amazing new church... a small church called Mt. Calvary Baptist Church with the most amazing pastor, staff and church family! We still love BHBC and they will always hold a special place in our hearts as church that we grew up in. But Mt. Calvary has some exciting new programs challenging each of us in our little family! The kids are loving the Awana's program! Then the adult Sunday School classes were challenged to each create a community project to begin, fund & implement. Our Pastor's style is so refreshing, so enlightening, and so challenging. We learn something from him EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. (And he teaches us 3x a week! He is our Sunday School teacher, and leads a Bible Study for the adults during the kids' Awana's time on Wed!) And his wife is just as incredible, her passion for children is obvious and they learn so much from her, too!

Then, in 2 weeks we will move into a home of our own. We've been renting for a year and a half after losing our home to due the loss of our Real Estate business. We thought that house was our "forever" house, big enough to house all the children we felt God was going to bless us with through natural and adoptive means. When we lost it and moved into a small 3BR ranch, we were confused, wondering why God would have blessed us with 3 wonderful children, and placed the desire to adopt more when we wouldn't have the room for them.

18 Months later.... we now have the most amazing house! It has 5 bedrooms, 3 bonus rooms and a full basement! (It's weird, though, bc it doesn't look huge from the outside.) It also  has an amazing yard and is located on the cul-de-sac!  It is a perfect home for kids, and since we now have 4 tummy children, it fits us perfectly! Baby Sunshine will have his own room!

Yet, it doesn't feel complete!

That makes us both excited and nervous about the road ahead. We've always know we were going to adopt, and we thought Brayan and Yorely were it! As broken hearted as we are about that not working out, we remain in contact with them and are proud of the new & improved choices they are making. (Update soon!) We have no idea where God will take us, but we know He has had a plan, (always has!) and we feel like we are entering a new, happy season. Some new ideas He is placing in our hearts:

• Fostering to adopt??  - this is both scary and wonderful! Can't wait to share more about this!
• Becoming a Stay at Home Mom - you know I deal with so much guilt about having to work. It has been particularly hard since Mr. Sunshine was born. Mothering 4 kids and working 2 jobs has been harder than ever. But lately, we are both feeling it might be time to find a way for me to stay home? We have no idea how, but we know God can work anything out. It's not just about my guilt, it's about the kids' needs, they need more time than we have with both of us working. And adding more through fostering/adoption would only increase this need.
• Chris changing jobs - teaching has become increasingly more stressful, demanding and much less enjoyable. And the pay does not meet our needs, thus why I have to work full time. They are taking away the teachers' power to discipline in the classroom, creating more and more chaos and cutting their pay. He works more and gets paid less, he can't teach the students the way they need because they are always changing and implementing "new strategies". Something has to change. He is miserable.

It's so hard not knowing what is coming next, but know He is in control is exhilarating!

We can't wait!

  

Sew Not So Much

Yeah... this is one of those "I am so embarrased to admit this" posts... BUT... here I go anyway. Why? I have no idea!

I got a sewing machine for Christmas. It was on my Amazon wish list, and I was VERY excited to get it. I must admit however, that I had forgotten I put it on my wish list. When I tried to rememeber when I added it, the thought comes to me that it must have been waaaay before I had 4 kids, 2 jobs, and a house to keep up with! You know, because how on earth would I think I have time to sew (or even learn how to sew?) now?!  However, I was still excited to get it and very determined to put it to use soon after the Christmas rush was over.

AND... here we are in June. Almost 6 months later. Where do you think that awesome sewing machine is now? Yep... still in the box. COMPLETELY UNOPENED!

My 6 year old thinks I'm nuts. I probably am. But he cannot comprehend why I have a sewing machine if I never use it, let alone never even learned how. You see, he is begging me to sew him a list of things. Here's his (current!) list:

1. A lego man costume
2. An Angry Birds costume
3. Angry Birds plush toys
4. A ninja costume

See a pattern here? He wants a costume for everything! In his mind, the solution is easy... Mom + sewing machine = presto! New Costumes!! It makes sense, really, IF I KNEW HOW TO SEW!!!

OK, so at the top of my "to-do-real-soon list" is LEARN TO USE MY NEW SEWING MACHINE!

I Found it!!! A Working Mommy's Club!

When posted about my stay-at-home-mom-envy and how I Googled searching for other blogs by working moms, I found little comfort. Apparently, I must not even know how to Google correctly, because I missed a TREASURE TROVE!

This weekend, I was catching up on the blogs I follow, and one of them wrote a quick blurb on her own blog simply stating she was being featured on a blog about working moms. First of all, I didn't even realize SHE was a working mom! (Some follower I must be!) Then, when I followed the link, the blog it led to had a link to the mother load!...

 This is a blog by a working mom for working moms!  Yeah, I had to jump on that! I immediately joined and started reading some of the posts. AHHH! I felt like I had walked in to an oasis after a long hot walk in the desert! SO many of the posts I read felt like they had read my mind! It was so great to read about their ups and downs, their struggles with SAHM envy and sadness over comments their own kids have made regarding being away for work and realize I am not alone feeling any of those same things. Not that I like that we all have this sadness to share in common, but it is comforting to know I am not alone in it.

I know I am going to love catching up on all the wonderful blogs and getting to know their bloggers. I can't wait for connections to be made and all the wisdom I will gain from their experiences. This is sure to help get me over this rut I've been in since getting back to work after baby #4.

Optimistically yours :)

Dianne

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Brokenness Behind the Mask

I have debated writing this post for a long time. However, now the heaviness in  my heart is so burdensome, I must unload it somewhere. For me, this is my safest place to do so.  I have talked about our need to be real with each other and stop playing pretend, like we have to keep our happy masks on all the time but instead share when we are struggling or sad as well. When you are real only then can you have a real relationship. Anything else is fake. I can be fake no longer. This is me behind my masks today:

I feel like an utter failure. 

1. My kids are out of control- whining, disobeying and generally lazy. And I know the only one to blame is me. But I do NOT know how to fix it.
   
2. My house is a certified disaster. When I read other blogs/posts searching for help about this general topic there is inevitably some Clean Queen who comments something like "I never have trouble keeping my house clean.  I enjoy it actually... I don't understand what your problem is." Me neither. But obviously, there is one.
   
3. My envy of stay-at-home-moms is reaching an all time peak. I am incredibly and unbearably overwhelmed juggling 4 kids now, plus the house and a full-time job. As a result, I am trying to figure out a way to "fix it" instead of relying on God that He can and will and wants to provide a way to give me the deepest desires of my heart. So I know I am missing His blessing in a way I cannot comprehend. But I can't stop myself.
   
4. Most of all, I find myself crying every single night with a broken heart as another day ends without any contact from one of the most important people in my life. When you are growing up, there is so much you take for granted. Like unconditional love. Then when you grow up and realize it is conditional for some people, it is hard to reconcile this in your head and heart. I keep telling myself  "You're a grown up now!!! (get over it!)" But I still feel like an insecure 16 year old girl most of the time. Especially when feeling the sting of rejection from someone who is supposed to be a rock in your life. I guess the lesson here for me is there truly is only One Rock in this life for us all. And only He can be truly relied on. Everyone else is just human and prone to let you down. Now, how can I write that and know it in my head yet somehow forget it in my heart?

And now, after thoroughly unloading my heart on you all, I feel the need to write a disclaimer. Yes, I know I am so very blessed. And I am incredibly grateful for the many blessings in  my life! I also know life is never perfect. (What is "perfect" any way?)  I just share what I feel to reach out and test the waters, to vent so it doesn't build up inside, and to, hopefully, help others know they are not alone if are dealing with similar situations. Life has seasons. I am fully aware of this. We are in a tough, hard season and we know a much better one is around the corner. I am very much looking forward to it! Until then, writing how I feel now is the only way I know to get through this one, though.  Oh, but three kisses from the three sweet angels sleeping behind me (yes.. I see the irony in this description in light of point #1 above. Keyword: "sleeping"!) totally helped tonight. =)

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Yes, I am a Wannabe

Life would be SO much easier
if God had given me 6 hands!

I'm a wannabe Supermom, a wannabe Stay-at-home-mom, and a wannabe Homeschooling mom. However, none of those are in my immediate future, so I have had to learn to come to peace with being a working mom. This has been a struggle for me though, because I often feel guilt over it. (That sounds ridiculous, doesn't it?!) But, unfortunately it is very true.

And when do I feel the most guilt? When my maternity leave ends, and my numbered days of doing nothing but cuddling, nursing, and changing my baby are over and "real life" begins again. (Reality check: I know SAHMs have to do waaay more than that every day, but while we are recovering from the delivery, we are all told to do nothing more than that. Oh, and "sleep when baby sleeps", LOL. Yeah, like that can happen after baby #1!)

ANYWAY, yesterday was my first day back at work since January 7th. It was crazy. It was also kinda cool; I spoke with customers who apparently (and surprisingly!) missed me! It felt good to be missed. That helped ease the guilt some. I am also very spoiled and blessed with the job I have because Baby S was able to come to work with me. This is a HUGE blessing, since I don't have to leave him nor pump while at work. And I am eternally grateful to God for providing me with this opportunity and to my boss for being so flexible with me. He told me once the reason he wants to be flexible with me, though, is because he understands the conflict a working mom struggles with, and he wants to help me have "the best of both worlds" as much as possible.  A HUMUNGOUS BLESSING!   I know. So what's the problem?

It's that small voice inside that starts berating me for all I don't do. I read blogs or facebook updates from SAHMs about all the cool crafty activities they did with their kids that day and I whine, "why didn't I think of that?!"  Then my son comes home from a field trip crying "I wish you had come!" and my heart breaks. His field trip fell on the day I had committed to be back at work, but how do you explain that to a 6 year old?  Finally, I look around my house at the tornado of a mess it has become and I feel like the worst mom ever. My kids are gonna grow up thinking their mom flunked Mom 101 class.

But the Truth I know is this: God only expects me to do my best, and that is all He asks of me! So why do I demand more from  myself?

Silly girl.

So, tonight I Googled "Working Mom" and "Christian Working Mom" hoping to find some women who I'd have the most in common. So far all the blogs I have stumbled upon seem to be by SAHMs who are oh-so crafty and/or organized that I feel smaller and smaller each time I read their posts, making the guilt worse word by word! NOT their intended purpose, I'm sure, but it's what happens nonetheless. So, I had to find some blogs by moms like me.  To my surprise, there weren't many! Most of them had not been updated in a year or two. Bummer. Then...

Lightbulb!!...  (Shout out to the hilarious & delightful "Despicable Me")

...If I write it, maybe they will come! I sure hope so! Because we could use all the support we can get! LOL! No seriously, it can be tough sifting through the guilt, the jealousy and the lack of self confidence we women have in general, let alone the added (albeit self-perceived) defect of having to be a working mom. However, as a wise woman once told me:

"If you are alone with your thoughts, you believe everything you think"

We CANNOT try to do this on our own! Therefore, I commit to post more often to share with you how  I am doing with my struggle, and what I am doing to handle it. I hope you will comment and share your struggles and insights as well, that way we can help lift each other up and help each other on our way.

Well, it's getting late, so I guess I better finish nursing the baby and try to get some sleep before the next feeding. Gotta get to work in the morning, you know. LOL.

Blessings,
Dianne

PS:... Working moms, do you struggle with guilt over having to work? How do handle it? What do you do that helps?

...And to our Stay at Home counterparts, from what I hear from my friends, you have struggles of your own, as well. What do you struggle with? How do you handle it?

I'd love to hear from all of you!