Brokenness Behind the Mask

I have debated writing this post for a long time. However, now the heaviness in  my heart is so burdensome, I must unload it somewhere. For me, this is my safest place to do so.  I have talked about our need to be real with each other and stop playing pretend, like we have to keep our happy masks on all the time but instead share when we are struggling or sad as well. When you are real only then can you have a real relationship. Anything else is fake. I can be fake no longer. This is me behind my masks today:

I feel like an utter failure. 

1. My kids are out of control- whining, disobeying and generally lazy. And I know the only one to blame is me. But I do NOT know how to fix it.
   
2. My house is a certified disaster. When I read other blogs/posts searching for help about this general topic there is inevitably some Clean Queen who comments something like "I never have trouble keeping my house clean.  I enjoy it actually... I don't understand what your problem is." Me neither. But obviously, there is one.
   
3. My envy of stay-at-home-moms is reaching an all time peak. I am incredibly and unbearably overwhelmed juggling 4 kids now, plus the house and a full-time job. As a result, I am trying to figure out a way to "fix it" instead of relying on God that He can and will and wants to provide a way to give me the deepest desires of my heart. So I know I am missing His blessing in a way I cannot comprehend. But I can't stop myself.
   
4. Most of all, I find myself crying every single night with a broken heart as another day ends without any contact from one of the most important people in my life. When you are growing up, there is so much you take for granted. Like unconditional love. Then when you grow up and realize it is conditional for some people, it is hard to reconcile this in your head and heart. I keep telling myself  "You're a grown up now!!! (get over it!)" But I still feel like an insecure 16 year old girl most of the time. Especially when feeling the sting of rejection from someone who is supposed to be a rock in your life. I guess the lesson here for me is there truly is only One Rock in this life for us all. And only He can be truly relied on. Everyone else is just human and prone to let you down. Now, how can I write that and know it in my head yet somehow forget it in my heart?

And now, after thoroughly unloading my heart on you all, I feel the need to write a disclaimer. Yes, I know I am so very blessed. And I am incredibly grateful for the many blessings in  my life! I also know life is never perfect. (What is "perfect" any way?)  I just share what I feel to reach out and test the waters, to vent so it doesn't build up inside, and to, hopefully, help others know they are not alone if are dealing with similar situations. Life has seasons. I am fully aware of this. We are in a tough, hard season and we know a much better one is around the corner. I am very much looking forward to it! Until then, writing how I feel now is the only way I know to get through this one, though.  Oh, but three kisses from the three sweet angels sleeping behind me (yes.. I see the irony in this description in light of point #1 above. Keyword: "sleeping"!) totally helped tonight. =)

.

Married with Kids

I never really watched the show by that title, but I did see bits and pieces of a few of the episodes, though I don't remember much. However, I know the premise was that marriage gets crazy, harder and/or more challenging once kids enter the picture. Marriage is never easy and always takes work. But kids take all that to the next level.

I realized that I write a lot about our kids and our adventures in parenthood, but never about our marriage. Yet, our marriage is supposed to be the foundation of our families. So, in effort to continue my challenge to myself to remove my mask and be more real with you and the world around me, I am also going to try and write more about marriage. My marriage as well as my observations about the state of marriage in our culture, with the hope that these more real posts will help and encourage you in your marriage or future marriage.  (In NO WAY is my intention to make anyone feel bad about their marriage. So please forgive me if anything I write offends!)

Sooo, this May 19th, Chris and I will celebrate our 10th year of marriage. (10 years! That makes me feel OLD!!! )  I am trying for figure out how time has passed so quickly!!! Oh yeah, 4 kids might have something to do with it!! But, it has not all been "happily ever after."

We did have a great example in Chris' parents, however. Their marriage was a model of real love. Real love is the kind that isn't fickle. The kind that survives the storms and thrives on the sunny days. The kind in 1 Corinthians chapter 13.  But learning how to navigate the waters of marriage on our own has taken time and patience!  And we have by no means perfected it. It is an on-going process.

There is one thing we have learned and accomplish most of the time, and that is what I want to share with you today: We are committed to putting our marriage first. With kids, that gets tough for two reasons:

1- When you have kids, you are always tired. This constant state of exhaustion I live in tends to make me selfish. I often find myself trying to figure out "when do I get to rest?" But, we committed each put each other first. So, despite my exhaustion, I have to try to think of Chris and his needs before my own. Some days, I left him sleep in or take a nap, so HE can rest and recover. Then some days he lets me sleep in or take a nap. We also share the housework, considering it helping the other so it doesn't all fall on just one of our shoulders. But putting the other first can be especially hard during an argument, but eventually one of us "gives in" and apologizes. When he does it first, it makes me feel loved and grateful and remorseful over the fight we were having. So when I remember this, I make sure to return the favor after the next fight. It is hard to swallow your pride and be the first one to apologize or initiate the make-up. But it never fails to make the other feel loved, and isn't that the goal?

2- TIME! there is never enough!! However, it is IMPERATIVE that parents make time for each other!   We make it a goal to have a date night at least once a month. Finding a sitter can get challenging! But the benefits of together time and real conversations without interruptions is very worth it!

Try it sometime. Put your spouse before yourself and see what happens. And make time for a date night, and see what happens.



PS: What have you found to be a secret to a successful marriage? Is there something you wish you could change/do better? I have a list I could share (and probably will one day)! Let's take off our masks and be real and help each other improve our marriages!

Masks

Why do we wear masks?

This question has haunted me forever. No, seriously, my entire life! I noticed the masks grown-ups would wear early on in childhood, and it baffled me. I also realized that sometimes, grown-ups would wear their masks so long or so well they forgot who they really were and/or who they used to be. I swore I would never be like that.

Except, now, I am.

Why do we do it? Is there anyway to overcome it? Since I discovered my grown-up mask I have been keenly looking around. I see a depth behind a stranger's eyes when I ask "How are you" but I get the usual reply  "Fine, how are you?" Then suddenly I hear the words "Fine thank you" come out of my mouth. Really? That's all I have to say about How I Am today? Rarely am I really fine. Usually I am overjoyed with something one of my kids just said or did. Sometimes I am heartbroken by the same. Other times I am grateful, happy, angry, jealous, surprised, confused, etc. Rarely am I just fine. But why is that always my answer? Why is it yours?

How can we get past that? What if we had the power to break the cycle and get past the mask to the real person behind it? Would we be friendlier? Less selfish? More peaceful?

I don't have the answers today. I  merely notices the phenomena and wanted to bring it to light. I hope to find a way of removing my mask and being more real in an effort to get past the masks of people I know, as well as those I don't. My first step... removing my mask online. From now on, I will not sugar coat my feelings when writing a post. Furthermore, I challenge myself to write more raw, honest posts.  I want to be real with you. It will be an experiment worth trying.

To be continued...