That "Feeling"

One thing I always doubt when I don't feel it is how do I hear God? But then, when I get "That Feeling", that Tug regarding an idea (often a CRAZY idea!) that I just can't shake or ignore, I know THAT'S God talking to me!

Lately, it's about children. Orphans and Foster kids specifically. I can't get them out of my head. I can't get them out of my heart. We have been in our new house 2 weeks, and this place feels like the tip of the iceburg, like something HUGE is headed our way. Something HUGE, and possibly SCARY, but also very WONDERFUL.

Just "by chance" (or is it?) I have recently run into several blogs and blog posts about Foster children. One post in particular was titled "What if we'd said no?" It hit me like a ton of bricks, and I felt like she had written it just for me.

We have always felt the tug to adopt. Before we had kids, I think even while we were dating, we knew we'd adopt some day. When the adoption of my cousins in Colombia came up, we thought that was why, but then it fell apart after a year and a half. And we were broken hearted and confused. Then we lost our "Adoption home" and moved into a tiny ranch and were really confused.

But now, we are in another perfect "adoption  home", with plenty of space for as many kids as God is willing to give us. And we felt like, when the time is right, we'll do it. He'll provide everything we need.

But lately, I am getting "that feeling" like That Time is Now, not years from now. And it is scary. So many questions...

• I already struggle to mother 4 kids with 2 jobs, how could I handle any more? Especially if they are hurting?
• We can barely make ends meet with what we have, how would we afford it?
• We just moved in! We aren't even unpacked! Would we even pass a Home Study?
• I still have soooo much to learn about cooking and organizing. My current kids just go with the flow, but how can I expect new kids to deal with this craziness? No, we'd never pass a Home Study!

But then this question....

What am I missing by saying no, not right now?

Oh goodness, Father, where are you taking us? I'm excited and scared.

A New Season Begins

One of my (many!) favorite verses in the Bible is





"To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under the sun."       Ecc 3:1 
It goes on to explain how in life, we go through all kinds of season... a time to cry & a time to laugh, a time to mourn & a time to dance, a time to be silent & a time to speak, even a time to love & a time to hate. This verse helps me keep life in perspective, I have learned to cherish and savor the wonderful times, and just grin and bear it through the hard time because it is just that... a hard time, a season that will soon pass.

I am so excited to realize our family has just entered a new season in life. In the past 2 years, we have survived really tough season - loss of our family business (Real Estate), a failed adoption (Both stories are sprinkled throughout several posts), miscarriage, passing of my sweet mother-in-paw due to breast cancer, passing of my precious grandmother due to Alzheimer's in November (this hurt so much I haven't even written a post about it. I am still walking through the grieving process, and will write about it soon). But it is clear God brought us through stronger than ever and has now brought us into an exciting, new season.

First, He brought us to an amazing new church... a small church called Mt. Calvary Baptist Church with the most amazing pastor, staff and church family! We still love BHBC and they will always hold a special place in our hearts as church that we grew up in. But Mt. Calvary has some exciting new programs challenging each of us in our little family! The kids are loving the Awana's program! Then the adult Sunday School classes were challenged to each create a community project to begin, fund & implement. Our Pastor's style is so refreshing, so enlightening, and so challenging. We learn something from him EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. (And he teaches us 3x a week! He is our Sunday School teacher, and leads a Bible Study for the adults during the kids' Awana's time on Wed!) And his wife is just as incredible, her passion for children is obvious and they learn so much from her, too!

Then, in 2 weeks we will move into a home of our own. We've been renting for a year and a half after losing our home to due the loss of our Real Estate business. We thought that house was our "forever" house, big enough to house all the children we felt God was going to bless us with through natural and adoptive means. When we lost it and moved into a small 3BR ranch, we were confused, wondering why God would have blessed us with 3 wonderful children, and placed the desire to adopt more when we wouldn't have the room for them.

18 Months later.... we now have the most amazing house! It has 5 bedrooms, 3 bonus rooms and a full basement! (It's weird, though, bc it doesn't look huge from the outside.) It also  has an amazing yard and is located on the cul-de-sac!  It is a perfect home for kids, and since we now have 4 tummy children, it fits us perfectly! Baby Sunshine will have his own room!

Yet, it doesn't feel complete!

That makes us both excited and nervous about the road ahead. We've always know we were going to adopt, and we thought Brayan and Yorely were it! As broken hearted as we are about that not working out, we remain in contact with them and are proud of the new & improved choices they are making. (Update soon!) We have no idea where God will take us, but we know He has had a plan, (always has!) and we feel like we are entering a new, happy season. Some new ideas He is placing in our hearts:

• Fostering to adopt??  - this is both scary and wonderful! Can't wait to share more about this!
• Becoming a Stay at Home Mom - you know I deal with so much guilt about having to work. It has been particularly hard since Mr. Sunshine was born. Mothering 4 kids and working 2 jobs has been harder than ever. But lately, we are both feeling it might be time to find a way for me to stay home? We have no idea how, but we know God can work anything out. It's not just about my guilt, it's about the kids' needs, they need more time than we have with both of us working. And adding more through fostering/adoption would only increase this need.
• Chris changing jobs - teaching has become increasingly more stressful, demanding and much less enjoyable. And the pay does not meet our needs, thus why I have to work full time. They are taking away the teachers' power to discipline in the classroom, creating more and more chaos and cutting their pay. He works more and gets paid less, he can't teach the students the way they need because they are always changing and implementing "new strategies". Something has to change. He is miserable.

It's so hard not knowing what is coming next, but know He is in control is exhilarating!

We can't wait!

  

I Seriously Need a Castle...

... And not because I want to feel like a princess, though that would be nice, too. No, the reason I need a castle is because I desperately want to adopt like, all the homeless/orphaned/under-loved kids in the world.

Photo for Puzzle Peace only. Do not copy or download.

I can't help it....

You see, Sweet Baby started smiling! And he smiles so much, like all the time, even during diaper changes! So I decided I'll start calling him Smily Boy, and I was just loving seeing his smile, after smile, after smile.

But suddenly, when I looked into his big bright eyes as I kissed him and told him how wonderful he is and how much I love him, I was suddenly (and then consistently) rushed with a flood of knowledge that there are waaay too any kids out there who are never kissed or hugged or told they are loved or wonderful. Or worse, they are often told they are worthless and unlovable.  Then my heart breaks. Over and over and over again.  (Am I messed up that a kiss on my new baby's cheek leads me to tears on a regular basis?)

My solution... Adopt them all!!! WaHoo! That would be AWESOME!!!

However, in the real world, that is quite impossible. I realize that.

BUT... If I had a castle, I totally could. And I would!

Until then, I gotta figure out what I CAN do to help those kids. Or else my heart won't stop breaking.


Any suggestions? 




PS: Share with us something you felt/feel strongly called/ drawn to. What are you doing to achieve  it or get closer towards achieving it? 

Funding Adoption

When I think about all the orphaned children, desperate for a forever family, I wish I could just have a mansion and unlimited money so I could adopt them all.

But I know that's not realistic. I wouldn't have enough hours in the day to give them all the love & time they deserve. So I pray for more families to rise up and desire to adopt them. I heard Steven Curtis Chapman once say that if all the churches banded together, we could resolve the orphan crisis! Not that every family has to adopt... not at all. But we could all help the families who are called to adopt. He said there are more churches than there are orphans! (I forgot the exact #s he gave). But it hit me, wow! The churches could come together and help support the families who are willing to adopt it it weren't for the money issues.

Then I heard about this amazing family... they created a home business to fund adoptions! Check out EZ PZ Pies! They started selling (delicious!) home made pie fillings to help fund their adoption story. And now, they use those funds for grants and further orphan care beyond their precious family! HOW AWESOME IS THAT??!

I LOVE how creative & resourceful people are in order to find a way to help these children. Father, I pray that when it is our turn, we will be able to find such a way to fund our own adoption story.

Go check out their website and BUY SOME PIE!!

EZ PZ Pies

The Call

How do you know when God calls you? This is not a rhetorical question. If you have an experience that might answer this, please, leave a comment below and share it with us. We are eager to know.

I wish it was as obvious as this picture. Or Bill Engvall's "Here's your Sign". 

You see, Chris and I have been on a journey for about 6 years now. A journey we thought was culminating soon to the purpose God had planned all along, but now we feel as lost as we did 5 years ago. It seems the closer we get, the farther we are. The more time we spend with Him, the less we understand. Though, you would think it would be the other way around.

I'm going to do my best to explain this, but, you see, it is a general overwhelming feeling that is really tough to put into words. This is going to be a long, seemingly random hodgepodge of stories. Nevertheless, if you feel like reading, here goes:

Six years ago, Chris and I were still fairly newlyweds: 3 years, but no kids, enjoying married life, our jobs  and  hanging out with friends. But we started to feel unsettled. There has to be more to life. Yes, we wanted kids, and they would come, in time. But we felt like God wanted us to do even more. We are both shy by nature, uncomfortable until we really get to know someone, yet we both have this passion for people. Especially youth. We were working for a church, Chris as a youth leader and I was the part-time secretary. We were building our new Real Estate business. Chris was also teaching and I was finishing school to become a teacher as well as working a great local small business getting to use my Spanish. Yes, we were juggling many balls in the air. Still, we felt like God wanted MORE.

Since then, we've added three kids here and one in heaven. Plus two in Colombia we feel are our own though we can't bring them home due to immigration's red tape. We have served in various churches and made a full circle coming back to our home church at Burnt Hickory Baptist. And the feeling that God wants MORE has only gotten stronger.

We thought it would be fulfilled by adopting Brayan and Yorely, but the more we obeyed the more red tape we were dealt.

When Chris was layed off we thought maybe God wanted to send us elsewhere for a job. In an attempt at obedience, Chris sent out applications all over. No reply.

Before we get any farther, let me explain that I do know that God has given us one of the most important ministries you could have: our kids. We value that tremendously and do not take it lightly. However, as we go about our day-to-day activities, I still have this incredibly unsettled feeling that He wants me to do MORE.

We have inside us a burning passion for three major groups of souls:

1. Kids & teens who need love.
2. Young people who are bombarded through music, TV and movies with the cultural message that pre-marital sex is not only OK, but necessary in a relationship in today's modern world.
3. Married couples who face struggles with sexual temptation outside of God's beautiful design.

This passion is an all-consuming, deep-burning fire inside both of us. And so far, with no outlet. What happens to a building when an all-consuming fire burns within it? It implodes and falls apart. That is pretty much where we are today.


***Don't get me wrong, we love our life and we realize we are greatly blessed. And we are GRATEFUL.***

 But it is this very grattitude that creates in us the desire to give back. To serve our Father who has lavished so many blessings upon us.

Yet we remain lost in the dark. So many paths we thought He was guiding us on have failed:

• Real Estate: We sincerely thought we were called to provide a much needed service (Real Estate) in a much needed different way (with honesty, integrity and no-compromise dedication) - not that there aren't any such Realtors already, however, we know from experience, there are not many. The industry is overrun with deciet, selfishness, and general lack of customer service. It has been tough holding the line of black & white, right and wrong. So many in this industry believe in "gray areas". However, as much as we have poured into this business, it has yet to succeed. And I am not sure how much longer I wish to pursue it.
  
  
• Other Careers: Besides Real Estate, I have also had the dream, desire, or calling (?) to:
• be a history, music or drama teacher
• pursue photography
• write fiction novels
• write books about God's beautiful amazing design for sex
  
  All of these are paths I could see God leading me on to reach people for Him. I have unfinished pieces, schooling, or projects for all of the above, and more. Many people struggle with finding what they "want to be when they grow up." Though I genuninely love what I do as a part-time stay at home mom, sales rep and Realtor, I still feel like I am not where God wants me.
  
   
• Adoption: We both knew we were called to adopt since we got married. We trusted God would show us the who, when, where and how when His time was right. We were sure this was confirmed in July with Yorely and Brayan. However, since then, one road block after another, it seems like perhaps He is still saying "not yet." With Yorely's 16th birthday arriving in March, the deadline is quickly approaching.
  
  
• Youth Work: We have lovingly and excitedly served in various churches. Just when it seems like things were about to "take off" God gave us a clear sign it was time to move on. We have had to leave so many students we had fallen in love with, churches we grew to be family with, and goals we were about to see met. It was all in God's timing and we heard of wonderful, great things that occurred with each group after we left. Still, it hurt to not be a part of that.

I know it may seem like I am being ungrateful, and I assure you I am not. I truly love my life. I feel genuinely spoiled by my Abba Daddy. Precisely so, I want to serve Him. I want to share this love inside me that feels about ready to explode. I was to let this burning passion consume others for Him. But how? This is a question I have yet to clearly hear Him answer. I have so many ideas coming at me a hundred miles an hour, but no outlet. No confirmation from Him where and how to do them.

I am about ready to implode, so I had to let it out somehow. This post was more a therapeutic one than a purposeful one. Unless, of course you know how to answer the question. = )

********************UPDATE: 2/5/10***********************

HOLY WOW!

Since posting this, I had many friends and family members make suggestions, and I thank you! I was humbled by your suggestions, and honored by the idea of some of the things you could see me doing. And your encouragements let me to seriously think about your suggestions. Then after a series of events, I suddenly find myself studying photography and getting help from two professional portrait photographers! I AM BLOWN AWAY!

It is amazing how God leads us, step by step through the plan He already has for us. When I posted this I was feeling stuck in a rut, and with no direction to go in. Now, I am thoroughly enjoying my photography studies, and thrilled at the idea that this may really be my calling. I have met so many people already and can see how this could lead to meeting many, many more. And since life is all about relationships to me, what a perfect avenue this could be! I can't wait to see where God takes me from here.