Our Little Puzzle Peace

So far, I have attempted 3 separate blogs, none of which I kept up with very well! Some were for business, some for pleasure just to write my random thoughts on life, etc. But none had a real purpose of passion for me. This one does. I hope this one will be different. Life is still crazy and I may or may not keep up with it very well. BUT, my passion for it is to help others through this crazy life see that God has a bigger picture He is painting and YOU and I are a part of it, whether we believe it or not. We each fill one piece of that picture, like a giant puzzle. And sometimes, it doesn't make sense because we can't see all the pieces. Often things happen that we don't like. That's when we need His "peace that surpasses understanding" (Philippians 4:7) to cover us and help us through it.

So this is my new commitment to this blog, where I will therapy write my thoughts about life and motherhood, parenting and marriage down and hope and pray someone reads it and will be blessed by it. 

We are all a piece of God's Puzzle. My prayer is that you find His unexplainable Peace as you walk through it. 

Choking on the Internet

Chewing Gum and the Internet.

What do these have in common? Nothing really, except I just had a revelation at how one can be used to teach responsibility on the other. Sounds crazy, I know, but stick with me for a few minutes!...

My little girl INSISTS she is old enough to chew gum.  She just turned 3. Now sometimes, she does ok with it, she'll chew just one piece, then spit it out in the trash. However, this is usually only when/if I am hovering over her reminding her to only put in ONE PIECE and to spit it out when she is through. Yesterday, though, I forgot to hover, and sure enough, she swallowed it! Come to find out, she had THREE pieces in her mouth!!! (Thanks to her generous big brother K, who was only trying to share, LOL.)   AAHHHH! She could have choked! I panicked!

Out comes the Mommy Lecture. I sat all three of them down and told them I had to explain this very important rule to them and that they needed to pay close attention:

• There is a RIGHT time and a WRONG time for EVERYTHING!!  And I quoted:

• Ecclesiastes 3

  A Time for Everything

   ¹ There is a time for everything,
     and a season for every activity under the heavens

 I told them how many, many times, we think we know what's best for us, but really only God knows what's best for us and He laid it out in His Word. And His Word says that parents should seek out wisdom from God, and kids should seek out wisdom from their parents. Wisdom... because only wisdom can really tell you how to make right choices in life. And when we think we know what's best, we think we can make the right choices for us, however, we make choices based on what we want, not what is best for us at the appropriate time. It all comes down to timing! You see, there is a right time to chew gum, but NOT at 3 years old when we can't remember the rules! Just like there is a right time to drive, at 16.... can you imagine a baby driving a car?, I asked them. (They chuckled.)  Right, I said, so three years old is NOT the right time to chew gum! So no matter how much you want to share (brothers) or how bad you want to chew gum (Princess), NOW IS NOT THE TIME.  Do you understand? I asked.

Um, yea. They nodded but looked a bit overwhelmed. Maybe I went overboard, a little. OK, maybe a lot. But all that came out of nowhere!! It just came pouring out of me like a milk jug in a, well, three year old's hand.

When, suddenly I realized, NO. This did NOT come out of nowhere. God gave me those words and we are laying a foundation for future discussions. Those inevitable discussions about dating, sex, and parties. Oh, my teenage kids are going to hate me. But I am already preparing myself to prepare them for a life of purity. Whoa! How did I get from gum to internet to purity?!  WOW, my brain jumps all over the place. BUT.... THE THING IS, PURITY BEGINS WITH THE HEART, AND THE EYES ARE THE WINDOWS TO THE HEART.   And now, with technology as it is, the internet is unbelievably easy to access by kids of all ages!!!   This has become one of my greatest fears, and challenges. To figure out how to protect my kids from the internet when it is spreading like the swine flu and being practically forced down our throats from every angle.

Oh, I KNOW, thee are tons of resources for protecting our kids, and I am  eternally grateful for those! (Here is a quick list in case you need some  ideas, each of these can lead you to more:

1. Safe Eyes (a computer/internet monitoring service)
2. XXX Church (another computer/internet monitoring service)
3. Focus on the Family (what don't they have? If you need it, they got it on here.)
4. PluggedIn Online (reviews media in detail so you can decide if it is safe for your family or not)
5. Pure Intimacy (articles, resources etc. for how to overcome sexual addictions & protec your family from them)
6. True Love Waits (an entire program dedicated to teaching youth about purity, lots of helpful stuff for parents)
7. Pam Stenzel (Dynamic author/speaker on the importance of abstinence and teaching it to our youth.)

However, I am the FIRST PERSON in charge of my kids' purity. (Well, hubby and me, of course.) And it is NEVER too early to start laying the foundations for purity. Especially when their choices regarding purity will effect them for their ENTIRE LIVES!!!

You see, R, my 6 year old, is already feeling  the alure of the magical, wonderful internet. We have our computers all set up with filters, timers, password protected access and monitoring. This has begun to frustrate R, because when he learns about a new website at school, he can't just come home and type it in. Nope. He has to tell me about it, let me check it out privately and then add it to his list of approved websites before he can access it. MANY, MANY times he has asked if he can't just have my password for adding sites. Nope. And then he defers to the ever popular response... "that's not fair! Don't you trust me?"   Yes, R, I do trust YOU, I tell him, and I remind him what a GREAT JOB he  does at protecting his heart by closing his eyes whenever we run into anything inappropriate, either in public or on TV.  BUT, I tell him, it's the internet I do not trust. All it would take would be one wrong keystroke and he would be whisked away to a website that would bombard him with inappropriate images and words before he even knew what happened, choking him then and there before he even had a chance at protecting himself.  He immediately stops arguing, and though I know he does not completely understand, I pray these little lessons are being stored away in his precious little heart for that time when he'll need to remember them. The inevitable time when temptation will come roaring in his face trying to force him to make a decision that could cost him even the tiniest bit of his purity.

And so, you see my friend. We CAN choke on the internet. It happens all the time to men, women and children before they are even aware of what's happening to them.  However, there is hope for recovery. (Please email me if you need to know more about this hope. I have GOBS of details to give you, just not here, right now.) But wouldn't it be better to not ever have to suffer with it to begin with? THAT is my goal in teaching my kids (all kids, really) the importance of making the right choices, at the right time. Starting with chewing gum.  Call me crazy.

A Picture of Real Love

This has been a really tough week. We found out on Monday that my sweet mother-in-law would not live past the end of the week. Yesterday at 11:20 am, she indeed went home to be with the Lord.

As painful as this process has been, Chris and I feel tremendously blessed by the picture of Real Love we have seen between Larry and Sherry. In almost 42 years of marriage, Chris saw them love each other through good times and bad. He saw them fight and make up, so much so that he grew up assuming all marriages last forever, and fights are just bumps in the road, not a fork in the road to cause separation. They modeled a selfless love to each of their boys, and to everyone else who knew them. Even to the very end, they were each thinking only about the other before themselves: Larry would not leave her side, and Sherry, on her deathbed would "nag" at him: "Larry, did you eat? Larry, go home and get some rest! Larry, make sure you eat something!" All the while, he is holding her hand, rubbing it to keep it warm as she passed from this life to the next.


I cannot fathom how painful that must have been for both of them. But to the end, he was holding her hand, loving her.


She asked him earlier this week what he thought it was like to die. His answer I think is the most beautiful one I have ever heard. He said, "Well, I think it's like when you are a kid and you fall asleep in the living room and your parents carry you to bed. You wake up in the morning in your own bed and you don't know how you got there. I think you just fall asleep here on earth and wake up in Heaven."  That answer gave her such peace.


All of us were staying together at their house to be near her these last few days. She was in pain, yet fighting to not leave us.  Yesterday morning, as she kept fighting, Larry finally told her, "it's OK for you to go."  Chris tells me it was soon after she went. Like she needed to know Larry was OK with it; that we would all be OK with it. And though it is so very painful for us, we KNOW she is with the Lord today, has been for almost a whole day now! And she is whole, and happy and no longer in pain. She is wither her parents she lost years ago, holding our baby Camryn we lost in November 2009, as well as the one my sister-in-law lost in January of that year. 


Though painful, I had to share this with you because it is yet another example of the Peace that comes from our Gracious Father to help us through things we can't understand. Thank you, Father. You are so Good to us.

WE LOVE YOU GRANNY/MOM/SHERRY!!! WE WILL MISS YOU GREATLY, BUT WE WILL CELEBRATE YOUR HOMECOMING 
AS YOU WISHED <3


AND WE LOVE YOU, PAPAW/DAD/LARRY!! YOUR EXAMPLE OF FAITH AND STRENGTH DURING THIS TIME IS A TESTAMENT TO 
YOUR LIVES TOGETHER!

THANK YOU BOTH for the example of Love 
you modeled for us all !!!!

29 weeks and counting

Whew! This pregnancy has definitely been the toughest by far. To me, it confirms that I am finished having babies biologically, and anymore children we have will be through the miracle of adoption. We have always had a passion for adoption, and hope to one day be blessed with the opportunity to adopt.  For now, however, we need to make it through this pregnancy safe and sound.

I am at 29 weeks, and have gone into pre-term labor. My doctor has put me on medications to stop (really, slow) the contractions and modified bed rest to prevent full-blown labor. Yikes! With three kids, ages 2,4, and 6 and a full time job, this isn't going to be easy!!! BUT, luckily (or blessedly I should say!) I have the privilege to be able to work from home. This relieves the stress of losing half our income so soon. Now I just have to figure out how to "rest" with three monkeys on the loose! My doc hopes we can make it to week 38!   Soooo.... we'll see how these next hopefully 9 weeks will go. I am trying to TRUST, but can't help be a little nervous and afraid.

Thanks for letting me share. If you have any advice, please share :)

My Inspirations

There they are. My inspirations. R, my creative thinker, K my passionate sensitive one, and C, the Princess. 

They inspire me for everything!!!  To live life to the fullest, to cherish the little moments in life, and to believe when there is no reason to. 


They are also the reason I fell in love with photography. You can read that how that journey unfolded here. 


Mostly, they inspire me to love. I love how unconditionally they love. I want to be like them when I grow up ;)

A Sad Birthday

Today is my due date. Or, it would have been my due date if I had carried to term. And it is hitting me harder than I thought it would.


This is an unexpected turn of events for me. I thought I had dealt with the pain, and received a beautiful gift of peace and assurance.  
Coping with miscarriage is never easy, but I believe I grew closer to my God and family through it. Then I thought I was done. Finished with the grief, at peace with the loss and ready to move on.

But the date June 19, 2010 loomed ahead, yet I was sure I would remain un-phased.


Now, here it is and I am feeling surprisingly shaky. I still know my baby Camryn is with God, waiting to be joined by the rest of us when our time comes. I know we will meet one day. I know it is not my fault. And I know there is nothing I could have done to prevent it. My head knows all of this. Still, my heart yearns for my baby.


I don't know why  I am writing about this. It is awful and painful and yucky. Still, I felt the need to share it with you. Maybe one day a hurting mother-to-have-been will stumble across it and find hope in the grief. It is a process, I am learning. One that we have to go through or we will never heal. It is OK to grieve.  Actually, it is healthier to grieve. But do so with hope.


Also, I really needed to acknowledge to the world that I have a baby in heaven, and that baby hasn't been forgotten. Though we miss having her here with us physically, the rest of the world has forgotten we had a 4th because they can't see her amongst our other children. But I always will. Especially on June 19th. So, today we will celebrate the brief time we got to share with her, and focus on the hope we have that we will meet her one day.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY Baby Camryn!!! We Love You 

and can't wait to meet you.

.

.

.

.

Cutting Grass and Conquering Fears

My youngest son, JP, loves to help. His favorite thing to help with is cutting the grass. One of the first phrases he said when he started talking was "Pawpaw cut grass?" He would say it as soon as he saw Pawpaw put on his straw hat... his grass-cutting hat! Then he would run and get his little lawn mower to help. He has continued this fascination now for almost 2 years!

So I was really excited when he sat still enough for me to shoot this picture! It truly captures a memorable moment. This is a shot I got one day when he was "taking a break" from helping Pawpaw. I loved how he was just looking out at the overgrown grass in the backyard. What was running through his little mind? He got quiet & pensive and just stared!  (Which if you know JP, you know is RARE! The boy is hardly ever still!) But we attribute that to his passion. The boy is incredibly passionate, and he has no fear! He actually inspires me to act more on my passions.

For example, photography has long been a passion of mine, but fear has kept me from pursuing it. Fear also kept me from trying out for my high school musical and the school of music in college, but yay! Here I am years later finally pursuing a passion. Better late then never, huh?!  Yet, even now fear threatens to stop me: I had my first maternity portraits shoot this past Tuesday and boy was I ever nervous. My friend who was modeling was so patient and encouraging though so I was able to make it through the shoot. However, when I got home and viewed the pictures, I was disappointed in myself and the results I got.  They just didn't look how I pictured them in my head. I found myself thinking that maybe I should just stick to photographing my own kids and ditch this whole becoming-a-photographer thing.

But something has changed inside me... I want to keep going! A large part of that is the incredible amount of encouragement I am receiving from my sweet hubby and several great friends (one of whom IS a photographer!!). Another reason is that I see the whole world before my kids and I truly believe they can do anything God calls them to do, and would be heartbroken if they let fear stand in their way.  But how can I encourage them to conquer their fears & pursue their God-given passions if I don't do the same? So here I go... pushing through the fear. I promise to post those maternity pics if you want to see them.

*********Update*************
They are done! Click here if you'd like to see some of those maternity shots!

Time in a Bottle

When I was a little girl, my mom and I had two songs we called "our songs."  One of them was "You've Got A Friend" by James Taylor and the other was "Time In A Bottle" by Jim Croce. To this day when I hear those songs I get swept away to those moments in time. 

There are two vivid memories that stand out to me regarding these songs; these are the ones that especially come flooding back upon the first few notes of either song:

The first was right after we moved and I started a new school for 1st grade. I felt so alone and scared; I was painfully shy. It was recess and I remember sitting on top of the monkey bars alone, crying and singing the words to "You've Got A Friend" to myself, willing my mami to hear them and come rescue me:

"When your down and troubled
And you need a helping hand
And nothing, whoa nothing is going right.
Close your eyes and think of me
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest nights.
You just call out my name,
And you know wherever I am
I'll come running, oh yeah baby
To see you again...."

This song reminded me that she wanted to rescue me, even when I knew she couldn't. Just remembering that would make me feel better.

The other memory is when I was trying on her clothes and modeling them around the house, she got tears in her eyes and said
"if only I could save time in a bottle," and started singing that song to me:

"If I could save time in a bottle       
The first thing that Id like to do       
Is to save every day       
Till eternity passes away       
Just to spend them with you..."       

       Of course, when you're little you take everything literally, so I asked her what she meant by "saving time in a bottle" and how can someone possibly do that? If she could tell me how, I'd do it for her since she wanted it so bad!

Oh if I only knew how quickly time would pass, and what she meant by that. Now I find myself saying the same thing to my three little ones, and wishing I could find a way to keep time in a bottle. Maybe that's why I love photography so much, it is a way to freeze time and keep it forever. I try to take mental "snapshots" every day of those fleeting moments, but am always so thrilled when I capture them on film. This is what drives me, and why has become one of my biggest passions. But I know I owe it to my mom for making so very aware that nothing lasts forever. I think most kids (& grown-ups!) don't understand that until it is too late.

So Mami, thank you for teaching me to savor the little moments, even when I didn't understand.
HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!

And to all my mommy friends... remember everything your child does is a phase- the good ones and the not-so-good ones too- and they will (all too soon) pass, so try not to rush any of them. Focus on moments: just get through the tough ones and look forward to that inevitable yet fleeting next good one, and when it arrives, freeze it.
Then, save that moment in time in a bottle. ♥

(or a frame, LOL!)

WOW! A Grasshopper!

I love when my kids yell "Look mom!" to show me something that has completely captured their attention. They are in awe and suddenly, everything else in the world can wait while they revel in their new discovery. Today it was a new trick they learned, (balancing and jumping off the couch just right) and I wished I had the video camera with me because the look on their faces was PRICELESS and I want to remember it forever. They were so proud, so excited, and just so content. Nothing else mattered!

It reminded me of this picture I took when we got home from Colombia this summer:

This grasshopper was waiting for us on our van and rode home with us most of the way! The boys were fascinated! And I caught it on camera! 

Man, I need to keep my cameras closer to me so I can capture more of these "wondrous" moments because eventually they stop. I wish they lasted forever, but unfortunately, we seem to lose that wonder of childhood somewhere along the way of growing up.

As adults we seem to just "push through" life and moments pass in a blur. Why is that?


I think we should try to allow ourselves some more "Look!" moments to just stop and stare in awe at an amazing sight or accomplishment. Maybe then life can start to become less hectic and blurry and more laid back and memorable.

Getting It Together

Whew! What a relief! 

I thought I was alone in this world as the only female who just could not get it together. (And yes, by “it” I mean anything and everything that we do or “should be” doing!) I was sure I was missing some essential genetic material that was causing me to fail miserably at all my feminine responsibilities.  But a simple poll on facebook today showed me maybe I am NOT alone! So for all the ladies who also just can’t seem to get it all together, let’s chat…

I’ll start with a confession: I’m a recovering Messy.  Admission is supposed to be the first step to healing, but it doesn’t feel like it so far.

Allow me to clarify: I don’t know how to clean. I don’t know how to organize. I don’t even know how to cook! But that’s an entirely different problem. However, they all contribute to my feeling like a complete failure as a wife and mom.  This has been a problem for me my entire life, but recently, say the past 3 years, it has really started to eat away at my self-confidence. 

So, I started to research “how-to’s” and was soooo excited by what I found! A WEALTH of information at my fingertips!! The Daily 7 to keeping your house clean, 365 Slow-cooker recipes, 45 Days to a clean house, Potty Training in 1 day!, 3 days to a well-behaved kid, and so on and so on. “I’ll have it together in no time!” I thought.  

Boy was I wrong!

And the more I failed, the worse I felt. Don't get me wrong, I am not depressed, in fact I am quite happy. I love my life and am grateful for all I have. But I feel like I am not being a good steward of all I've been given, ie, I am not properly caring for my family, my home, my friends, let alone myself. So I want to MAKE IMPROVEMENTS.

            = )                                                            And now I know, I AM NOT ALONE!

Therefore, I decided to turn my blog into a completely, 100% book wide-open journal of my journey from "getting it together" to "totally together". This is based on a GREAT blog I found, which is appropriately titled "Totally Together Journal" and the lady behind it has some wonderful tips and ideas for how we can start getting it together. But the more I read on her blog, the more I felt like a complete loser. In fact, all the blogs I found were by women who already had it all together or were well on their way. I did not find any books or blogs or notes or anything by any female who seemed to lack that essential genetic material I lack ;) Or else no one was writing about it. So here are some things I am going to start doing differently on by blog in the effort to be more candid about my journey and hopefully grow more effectively:

1. I will blog about about BOTH my ups and DOWNS. (Not just my ups!)
   
2. I will welcome comments, both positive and negative. (In the past I'd delete not-so-positive remarks because they hurt my feelings. Instead of realizing they can help me grow.)
   
3. I will try new things and keep what works and chunk was fails. (Instead of doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results. Um... isn't that the definition of insanity?)
   
4. I will go back and read old posts and relish in what I've learned from both my accomplishments and my mistakes! I will look back one day and see how far I've come!
   
5. Most importantly, I will encourage ALL OF YOU to walk this journey with me. Let's not be stagnant! Let's make improvements and enjoy the ride! There's no need for perfection! Just motivation! And what P-O-W-E-R there is in kind words of encouragement and constructive criticism from friends! I  hope as we start this dialogue of posts and comments that we will all learn and grow with each other. So please feel free to comment or send me ideas for posts or even entire posts to share.

This is not going to be easy. In fact, I've written this post and deleted 3 times already. I really would rather not share this with the world, as it is quite embarrassing. But I cannot ignore the voice telling me to do it anymore.

To start off on the right foot, one of the "new" things I will be trying is to illustrate my blog with my own photos. Usually I Google a keyword to find a cool picture to go along with my post. But since I am whole-heartedly pursing my photography passion, why not try to use my own? As if I could shoot cool enough pics! But I will try ;) It is a work in progress...

Anyway, above, you see a picture of my stack of tubs. I purchased these over a month ago with the idea of organizing in mind. Yet, there they sit. Unused. Taking up space. Ugh. But we'll get there! Hopefully sharing that picture of my unused tubs with you will help motivate me to put them to use, so I can repost their picture showing them in all their well-organized glory!


So, let me know what you think. We'll hash out what works and what doesn't. We'll make mistakes and learn from them. We'll cover anything and everything, laughing and crying in between.

We'll relish in the fact that we are perfectly imperfect! lol

  

"Strange" Peace?

This is going to be a tough post to write, but it is one many of you have encouraged me to write, so here goes.

Many of us walk through storms, and our Father in Heaven promises to see us through. Last week, I walked through a storm. However, I know I wasn't alone. It was one of those experiences that  no one can ever take away from me. One of those experiences that I will remember forever, and for that I am grateful. No, the circumstances weren't good. They were awful in fact. But the closeness I felt with God is irreplaceable.


On October 10, 2009, we found out I was expecting again! Baby #4!!! We were shocked, surprised, nervous and very excited. It wasn't planned, but we relished the idea anyway. Already, we all started dreaming about this new little bundle of joy. The boys were thrilled and started coming up with names! They were sure it was another baby sister.

However, on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, I started bleeding. My sweet husband researched it online and found that though bleeding during pregnancy is not good, it does not always mean trouble. I called my doctor and she put me on bedrest. "If anything changes, go to the hospital. Otherwise, stay resting until we can see you on Monday," she said. Of course, this occurs over a holiday weekend! 4 days I had to wait to see my doctor, unless something changed, which, of course, I didn't want it too. Things didn't look too bad so I resolved myself to remain optimistic.

I started focusing on wonderful dream I had the week before, the night before my birthday. In that dream, all my family and friends had come over to celebrate with me, and we were grilling on the back deck. I excused myself to go lay down as I was still in the very tired stage of the pregnancy, and when I layed down I fell asleep and had a dream. In the dream I got up and re-joined my family and friends on the back deck and I saw an old dear friend. He was one of my best friends, someone we all still love very much. He passed away too young in the year 2000, but he still effects our lives to this day, as I still find myself mourning the physical loss and all I have not been able to share with him. Andy Parish. God has used him and his memory to speak to me before though. But this time, I thought to myself, as the dream felt so real... how are you here? And he replied, "I want to introduce you to your daughter," and he held her out for me. They were both so real. I touched them both, their hair, their hands, and they felt as real as if I touched yours. What a joy!

I woke up startled but realized it wasn't just a dream. It was confirmation that my good friend Andy was still with us, though in Spirit and waiting for us in Heaven. And he had already met my baby girl!!! I held on to this as confirmation that everything would be ok.

I think I drove Chris crazy though, because he could tell I wasn't fully letting go. I was obsessing, as I tend to do. So, I started praying.

"Please God, help this baby be OK. Please make the bleeding stop. Please help us get better."

That was all I could do. I felt so helpless.

By Friday, the bleeding had not stopped. Actually, it had increased.  I began to fear the worst. I called the doctor again:

"Are you in pain?"  No.

"Are you bleeding a lot in 1 hour?" No.

"Then you're fine. No need to worry. The fact that we saw the baby on a sonogram on November 13th is a very good sign. Just rest and we'll see you first thing Monday morning."

"OK, calm down Dianne" I thought to myself. But I knew. I felt what was happening.

Sunday morning came, and I was not allowed to go to church. Bored out of my mind, I picked up my Bible and started to read, mostly to distract myself. Not because I was feeling super-godly. Then, I read something that stopped me in my tracks: Ezekiel.

God is giving Ezekiel instructions about a very specific message He wanted Ezekiel to deliver to Israel. But, one particular set of instructions just horrified Ezekiel. "Not so Sovereign Lord!!" He cried out, and begged God not to make him do that particular thing. (I'll spare you the really gross details, but if you're curious you can read it in chapter 4 of Ezekiel.)

What happened next blew me away though: God said "Very well, I will let you do it this way instead of that way."

EZEKIEL CHANGED GOD'S MIND!!!!!

What was this? A MAN changed the mind of the GOD OF THE UNIVERSE??

Immediately, I dropped to my knees. Horrified at what was obviously happening inside of me, I cried out to God: "NOT SO, SOVEREIGN LORD! YOU CAN STOP THIS!! PLEASE, PLEASE STOP THIS! PLEASE, SAVE MY BABY! PLEASE, HELP ME CARRY THIS BABY TO TERM. PLEASE, MAKE THIS PREGNANCY STICK! PLEASE GOD!"

Then came the very, VERY clear response: "OR, I can promise you that you WILL meet her one day."

I looked up. What? Did I just hear that? Did I think that? WHY would I THINK THAT!?

No, that was an answer, directly from the Lord, God Almighty HIMSELF!

Yes, I cried.

But, I also surrendered

 There was nothing I could do to stop it. Also, I was worrying my other three kids sick. Besides. God just made me the BEST PROMISE possible.

I WILL MEET HER ONE DAY!

That is when it arrived. The strange peace. I will be OK. I have three beautiful, healthy children here on earth to continue caring for. And I have one beautiful baby girl waiting for us in heaven.

Yes, I had to continue the path I was on. I still wasn't bleeding much. I wasn't really in pain. But I knew how it would end. And yet, somehow, I was OK with that.

Then, at 5:30 that evening, it hit me. A crashing wave of pain like I have never felt before. I didn't even hurt this bad when I went into labor with my two boys. WOW. Now my prayer changed:

"God, help me through this!" to "GOD! PLEASE HELP ME! MAKE IT STOP!"

And suddenly, it did. I knew it was over. November, 29th at 6:30 pm, my baby was gone. No longer here on earth anyway, but somewhere MUCH, MUCH better. And I am OK with it.

I really am. I keep saying this in answer to all the inevitable questions: "I have a strange peace about it all."

Then I realized, why is it so strange? I know where it comes from! And it is not strange that our loving God would have mercy on a child of His and grant her peace over such a loss, instead of allowing her to wallow in deep sadness. No, instead He gave me the dream of Andy holding my daughter to SHOW me she IS OK. And He SPOKE to me the words of promise, that I WILL SEE HER one day.

And believe me, I KNOW it came from God Himself. How? Because if you know me even a tiny bit, you know I am waaaaaay emotional! I cannot control my emotions INSIDE of me for anything. I can control how I show them to the world, but inside of me, no way. And yet. Deep down, inside, I am really at peace. Yes, I lost my baby. My baby (girl?) that I dreamed of giving birth to in June 2010, that I already saw playing and running and dancing with her big sister and big brothers, will not experience any of those things.

But, I have a very real peace. The only reason I call it a Strange Peace is because to the everyone else, I should not be OK with this.  At least, not yet. Not just days after it happened at least. I had a kind co-worker tell me yesterday when I went to the office that she was worried about me. She didn't expect to see me this week. Not even next week. She was surprised I was there yesterday.

I don't say that to pat myself on the back - not at all. If it was up to me, I'd still be in bed bawling. But no, God replaced the grief in my heart with peace, hope, and yes, even joy. I HAVE ANOTHER BABY GIRL!  She will never suffer heartache, physical pain or sorrow. (As my sweet hubby gently reminded me.) She is with Jesus, celebrating His Love and Life this Christmas like we could only dream! And she is waiting.

Until we can all be together, forever.

We love you, baby Camryn.

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Did Someone Say **FREE** Movies?!

Yes! I only found out about this at the end of last summer so I was THRILLED to see it offered again!! In effort to help spread the word, I thought I would post the info here on my blog!

Apparently, several theaters in the area have offered free movies during the summers for the past several years! That's right! FREE MOVIES! This is incredible on so many levels:

1. First of all, who couldn't use more FREE fun this summer with the kids?!
   
   
2. Second of all, if you have small kids, you never really know if they will be able to sit through an entire movie in the theatre. While it would be an exciting experience for them, you may not feel like shelling out $20 or more to "see" if they can. BUT - if it's free, WHY NOT?!
   
   
3. An entire theatre of bouncing children ready to watch a fun family-friendly film, suddenly you realize you don't have to worry if they are overly excited (ie: a bit loud) - all the kids are! And, oh yeah - IT WAS FREE!!

Families in Cobb County can click here for information on Regal Cinemas' "Free Family Film Festival" and to find the theatre near you and the list of movies they are showing . Fellow Kennesaw/Acworth families - YES - Regal at Town Center IS ON THAT LIST!!! They show the Free Family Films on Tuesdays and Wednesdays at 10:00 AM.

Families in Paulding County, Hiram / Dallas area the 278 Theatre is also showing Summer Family Films! Click here to see their list of movies. Movies 278 does their Free Family Films on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 10:00. They take the fun even further by offering FREE popcorn in exchange for a canned food donation! If you forget your can- don't worry, they offer popcorn & drinks for just $1.00 during the Free Family Films! How cool is that?

If you know of other theaters showing free family movies this summer or other fun and free family events, let us know! Leave a comment below!

Have a Fun & Safe Summer!!

Blessings,
Dianne

Our Little Miracle

After ups and downs with this pregnancy, it is finally and happily over. Though our due date wasn't until April 2, 2008, our Princess just couldn't wait, and made her debut instead on February 22. And she is our little miracle.  Thank you to everyone who has been praying for her and for us all during this scary time.

This is going to be a looong post, but for those of you who wanted to know the whole story,  here it is:

You see, I went in for what I hoped was going to be a normal 34 week appointment. Yes, we had been battling pre-term labor, but I had been on medications for it and so far, had not dilated at all, so we were doing good. Or so I thought.

At 30 weeks I got a really bad stomach bug and had to go to the hospital for IV's to stop throwing up. Then, the contractions started again, and it took them 2 shots of terbutaline to stop them so they kept me overnight. Fun. Then, a week later, the contractions started yet again so back to the hospital we go, and this time they sent me home with a pill version of terbutaline. So at my 32 week appointment, my doctor asked me how I'd been feeling, and I told her fine. Much better, just a few contractions here and there but otherwise fine. Apparently that was not a good answer because immediately she sent me to the sonogram room, just to "check on the baby." There we found baby was fine, but my amniotic fluids were low, apparently this can be a side effect of the preterm meds I have been on, or it could be a defective placenta, she said. She ordered me to drink at least a gallon of water every day and she would recheck me in two days. Two days later the fluids looked like they were back up, so she was pleased. Looks like it was the terbutaline dehydrating me, so they take me off the meds and opt for the lesser of two evils: at this point, preterm labor is safer than a dry amniotic sac. Cool, I can handle that. I'll chug water like a mad woman. Still she wanted to recheck me the next Monday. We go in to that appointment and the fluids are down again, not too bad, but not up where they should be. I get the "you;re not drinking enough water" lecture and for good measure, a steroid shot to help mature baby's lungs. She'll recheck me the next week- REST, WATER, GET UP ONLY TO PEE!!!! She said.

So here we go for the 34 week appointment, with my bladder full to exploding and my confidence up that I have done my very best mommy-job at resting, drinking water and getting up only to pee (with the wonderful help of my hubby, and phenomenal family and friends). I am ready to hear "All is well, see you next week" when suddenly, she says... "Go the the hospital, we need to take this baby out RIGHT NOW."

WHAT?!

Please explain!, I begged her. "You're baby's fluids are gone and your contractions are back. If you go into full blown labor the contractions will kill her because she has NO FLUIDS protecting her. We have to get her out NOW."  So, apparently, it was a bad placenta, not the terbutaline, and now an emergency C-Section was in order. I was contracting, too, so the baby might not make it. What? My long awaited for, precious baby girl? Might. Die? If she did make it, she would likely need to go to the NICU and be hooked up to machines, she warned me. I went into full-fledged panic mode. All I could do was pray. 

My father-in-law (PawPaw) had taken me to the doctor as my hubby was at work, ironically at a baby shower for our little girl that the other teachers had surprised him with.  PawPaw calls Chris and tells him the news as he drives me to the hospital. The entire time he reminds me God is in control, just pray and trust God.  I want to scream but I know that will do no good, so instead I pray. (How else would you get through something like this without God? I cannot imagine.) 

As they prep me, I prayed.

As I waited for an operating table, I prayed.

My husband arrived. We prayed.

Finally they wheel me in and start the meds. I prayed. 

As they start to cut, I panic. I start crying and my husband starts praying for me.

Suddenly, I hear the words to a song I haven't heard in a long, long time. From the speakers? No, they are playing some elevator music. No, this was coming from INSIDE ME:

"You are my strength when I am weak,

You are the treasure that I seek,

You are my all in all."

I started to bawl just as this unexplainable but definitive peace washed over me. God was there. In that operating room, with me. He was with my baby girl. He was with the doctors taking her out too early. He was being my strength when I was being weak.

When I am dry you fill my cup

You are my all in all."

I had fallen down, in a pit of fear and darkness. He was picking me up. I was dry, and they had to take my baby out too early. But He would fill my cup.  He was all I needed, and in that moment, I knew I would be OK. I felt like she would too, hoped maybe. But I knew  I would be ok. I relaxed and let the doctors do their thing, when I hear the MOST WONDERFUL SOUND IN THE WORLD...

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Our baby was out and she was ALIVE!!!!! They whisked her away to check on her but I could HEAR her! She was alive!!! I started crying and thanking God, we made it over the first hurdle. They sewed me up and sent me to recovery.

Now the waiting began.  Where was my baby? 

They had taken her to check her vitals and breathing, etc. It seemed to take forever! Finally they brought her to us! There she was, our perfect, beautiful baby girl. All 5 lbs 6 ounces of her. 17 and 1/2 inches long. Sweet baby girl, our little Princess Ballerina. No breathing tubes, no machines, no IV's. Our little miracle.

The next week was just a little mini-roller coaster compared to the day we had on her birthday. She would lose weight, not eat, desaturate oxygen levels, etc. and we'd have to stay "one more day". Then she became jaundiced and had to lay in the billi table for 24 hours. (She looked like a glow-worm, we thought!) But after a week and a half, she had regained enough weight, mastered eating and gotten her color back enough to be sent home! (Granted, she was sent home with in-home nurse care, but still, we got to go home!)  I know of so many couples whose babies' stories do not end like this. Some end tragically. Others, are still fighting, like a couple in our church whose twin boys were born at 28 weeks. (Please pray for Noah and Matthew!) So though it was terrifying, I am grateful to be through it. 

Thank you Lord, for our baby girl. Thank you for providing your peace through the fear. Thank you for Our Little Miracle.

And Baby Makes 5!!

I am sooooo excited to be able to announce that we are expecting baby #3!!!!!  And somewhere, deep inside of me, I KNOW that this is our girl!!!!!

However, I have my skeptics. The nay-sayers who don't believe. Just kidding, they are just looking at the facts. Like the fact that my husbands mother had two boys. I have had two (wonderful, precious, amazing) boys (whom I ADORE!!!!) And m husband's brother has a boy. Yep, all boys in this family! But, doesn't that mean we are overdue for a girl?  I'm just sayin.

My first appointment will be August 6th, so we will get to see our baby's heartbeat and confirm how far along we are. In a few months we'll know if she's a girl. I guess for now, I will ponder these things in my heart, like Mary did. Can I confess something though?  I started a journal for our journey to baby #3 in May and since then, I have started every entry "Dear Princess", just knowing in my heart that this one is our long-awaited for, much prayed for baby girl. But my family and friends think I am setting myself up for disappointment, including my dear hubby. But how could I be disappointed if I end up with another healthy, beautiful baby boy?! No way. Either way I will praise the Lord. However, I just KNOW this one's a girl!!!