A Picture of Real Love

This has been a really tough week. We found out on Monday that my sweet mother-in-law would not live past the end of the week. Yesterday at 11:20 am, she indeed went home to be with the Lord.

As painful as this process has been, Chris and I feel tremendously blessed by the picture of Real Love we have seen between Larry and Sherry. In almost 42 years of marriage, Chris saw them love each other through good times and bad. He saw them fight and make up, so much so that he grew up assuming all marriages last forever, and fights are just bumps in the road, not a fork in the road to cause separation. They modeled a selfless love to each of their boys, and to everyone else who knew them. Even to the very end, they were each thinking only about the other before themselves: Larry would not leave her side, and Sherry, on her deathbed would "nag" at him: "Larry, did you eat? Larry, go home and get some rest! Larry, make sure you eat something!" All the while, he is holding her hand, rubbing it to keep it warm as she passed from this life to the next.


I cannot fathom how painful that must have been for both of them. But to the end, he was holding her hand, loving her.


She asked him earlier this week what he thought it was like to die. His answer I think is the most beautiful one I have ever heard. He said, "Well, I think it's like when you are a kid and you fall asleep in the living room and your parents carry you to bed. You wake up in the morning in your own bed and you don't know how you got there. I think you just fall asleep here on earth and wake up in Heaven."  That answer gave her such peace.


All of us were staying together at their house to be near her these last few days. She was in pain, yet fighting to not leave us.  Yesterday morning, as she kept fighting, Larry finally told her, "it's OK for you to go."  Chris tells me it was soon after she went. Like she needed to know Larry was OK with it; that we would all be OK with it. And though it is so very painful for us, we KNOW she is with the Lord today, has been for almost a whole day now! And she is whole, and happy and no longer in pain. She is wither her parents she lost years ago, holding our baby Camryn we lost in November 2009, as well as the one my sister-in-law lost in January of that year. 


Though painful, I had to share this with you because it is yet another example of the Peace that comes from our Gracious Father to help us through things we can't understand. Thank you, Father. You are so Good to us.

WE LOVE YOU GRANNY/MOM/SHERRY!!! WE WILL MISS YOU GREATLY, BUT WE WILL CELEBRATE YOUR HOMECOMING 
AS YOU WISHED <3


AND WE LOVE YOU, PAPAW/DAD/LARRY!! YOUR EXAMPLE OF FAITH AND STRENGTH DURING THIS TIME IS A TESTAMENT TO 
YOUR LIVES TOGETHER!

THANK YOU BOTH for the example of Love 
you modeled for us all !!!!

A Sad Birthday

Today is my due date. Or, it would have been my due date if I had carried to term. And it is hitting me harder than I thought it would.


This is an unexpected turn of events for me. I thought I had dealt with the pain, and received a beautiful gift of peace and assurance.  
Coping with miscarriage is never easy, but I believe I grew closer to my God and family through it. Then I thought I was done. Finished with the grief, at peace with the loss and ready to move on.

But the date June 19, 2010 loomed ahead, yet I was sure I would remain un-phased.


Now, here it is and I am feeling surprisingly shaky. I still know my baby Camryn is with God, waiting to be joined by the rest of us when our time comes. I know we will meet one day. I know it is not my fault. And I know there is nothing I could have done to prevent it. My head knows all of this. Still, my heart yearns for my baby.


I don't know why  I am writing about this. It is awful and painful and yucky. Still, I felt the need to share it with you. Maybe one day a hurting mother-to-have-been will stumble across it and find hope in the grief. It is a process, I am learning. One that we have to go through or we will never heal. It is OK to grieve.  Actually, it is healthier to grieve. But do so with hope.


Also, I really needed to acknowledge to the world that I have a baby in heaven, and that baby hasn't been forgotten. Though we miss having her here with us physically, the rest of the world has forgotten we had a 4th because they can't see her amongst our other children. But I always will. Especially on June 19th. So, today we will celebrate the brief time we got to share with her, and focus on the hope we have that we will meet her one day.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY Baby Camryn!!! We Love You 

and can't wait to meet you.

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The church is a whore, and she is my mother.

aThat is a quote from St. Augustine.

Before I offend, allow me to explain:

"The church IS the unfaithful bride of Christ, failing to live up to the marriage vows of Christ. But she is also my mother- I wouldn't be a christian today, and I would'nt know about Jesus and I wouldn't have the Bible if it wasn't for this thing called the church. It has carried the truth for all of its shortcomings" - Tony Campalo

This statement and its explanation have been in my head since I watched the documentary 

"Lord,  Save us from Your Followers" by Dan Merchant. Though it sounds harsh, it is so true and could be so healing, I believe, if everyone would acknowledge it - both Christians and non-Christians. So I had to post it, in hopes of Starting a Conversation. 

Basically yes, the church is very imperfect, but also very valuable.

Like it points out in the documentary, Bill Maher says he believes Jesus is a great person, a wonderful role model, if only Christians lived like He did! (Rough summary.) But it's true: so many people refrain from believing in Christ because of the hurtful interactions they have had with Christians. "They're hypocrites" they say.

Hence: The church is the unfaithful bride of Christ, a whore. We fail to live up to His standards. YES, we do. (Um, but I think that's the point, He loves us - and them- anyway!)

However, the latter part is just as true. Without the church we wouldn't have the Bible, and I wouldn't have my precious, thirst-quenching, peace-giving relationship with Christ. It is because of the church I met Jesus, which is why I am who I am today, so, yes, the church is also my mother.

This is one of my most heartbreaking struggles; it is something over which I cry myself to sleep at night on a regular basis.  I KNOW the peace I have experienced, where it came from, and the difference it made in my life before Christ and after. But I am not going to force it down anyone's throat. NO, it is something they have to decide for themselves; just as God gave me the free will to choose, He gave it to them as well. Does that mean I don't like them? Or love them? NOT AT ALL, in fact I love them tremendously! So I try to live in a way that hopefully, they will see I am not thirsty and ask for a drink of my water. 

Yet, they don't. Why? They never ask, and I never offer.

In fact, instead, they think I judge them. I condemn them. I don't love them at all. 

And we never discuss it to clear up the confusion.

Dan's entire point is that we need to converse.  We need to lovingly converse with each other about everything: our differences in opinions, our likes & dislikes, our joy & our anger, our offenses and defenses.

So, why is the gospel of love dividing America?..........

..........They're not feeling the love.

 With all that I am, after watching this movie, I want to try to converse more with everyone and share the love.

"Strange" Peace?

This is going to be a tough post to write, but it is one many of you have encouraged me to write, so here goes.

Many of us walk through storms, and our Father in Heaven promises to see us through. Last week, I walked through a storm. However, I know I wasn't alone. It was one of those experiences that  no one can ever take away from me. One of those experiences that I will remember forever, and for that I am grateful. No, the circumstances weren't good. They were awful in fact. But the closeness I felt with God is irreplaceable.


On October 10, 2009, we found out I was expecting again! Baby #4!!! We were shocked, surprised, nervous and very excited. It wasn't planned, but we relished the idea anyway. Already, we all started dreaming about this new little bundle of joy. The boys were thrilled and started coming up with names! They were sure it was another baby sister.

However, on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, I started bleeding. My sweet husband researched it online and found that though bleeding during pregnancy is not good, it does not always mean trouble. I called my doctor and she put me on bedrest. "If anything changes, go to the hospital. Otherwise, stay resting until we can see you on Monday," she said. Of course, this occurs over a holiday weekend! 4 days I had to wait to see my doctor, unless something changed, which, of course, I didn't want it too. Things didn't look too bad so I resolved myself to remain optimistic.

I started focusing on wonderful dream I had the week before, the night before my birthday. In that dream, all my family and friends had come over to celebrate with me, and we were grilling on the back deck. I excused myself to go lay down as I was still in the very tired stage of the pregnancy, and when I layed down I fell asleep and had a dream. In the dream I got up and re-joined my family and friends on the back deck and I saw an old dear friend. He was one of my best friends, someone we all still love very much. He passed away too young in the year 2000, but he still effects our lives to this day, as I still find myself mourning the physical loss and all I have not been able to share with him. Andy Parish. God has used him and his memory to speak to me before though. But this time, I thought to myself, as the dream felt so real... how are you here? And he replied, "I want to introduce you to your daughter," and he held her out for me. They were both so real. I touched them both, their hair, their hands, and they felt as real as if I touched yours. What a joy!

I woke up startled but realized it wasn't just a dream. It was confirmation that my good friend Andy was still with us, though in Spirit and waiting for us in Heaven. And he had already met my baby girl!!! I held on to this as confirmation that everything would be ok.

I think I drove Chris crazy though, because he could tell I wasn't fully letting go. I was obsessing, as I tend to do. So, I started praying.

"Please God, help this baby be OK. Please make the bleeding stop. Please help us get better."

That was all I could do. I felt so helpless.

By Friday, the bleeding had not stopped. Actually, it had increased.  I began to fear the worst. I called the doctor again:

"Are you in pain?"  No.

"Are you bleeding a lot in 1 hour?" No.

"Then you're fine. No need to worry. The fact that we saw the baby on a sonogram on November 13th is a very good sign. Just rest and we'll see you first thing Monday morning."

"OK, calm down Dianne" I thought to myself. But I knew. I felt what was happening.

Sunday morning came, and I was not allowed to go to church. Bored out of my mind, I picked up my Bible and started to read, mostly to distract myself. Not because I was feeling super-godly. Then, I read something that stopped me in my tracks: Ezekiel.

God is giving Ezekiel instructions about a very specific message He wanted Ezekiel to deliver to Israel. But, one particular set of instructions just horrified Ezekiel. "Not so Sovereign Lord!!" He cried out, and begged God not to make him do that particular thing. (I'll spare you the really gross details, but if you're curious you can read it in chapter 4 of Ezekiel.)

What happened next blew me away though: God said "Very well, I will let you do it this way instead of that way."

EZEKIEL CHANGED GOD'S MIND!!!!!

What was this? A MAN changed the mind of the GOD OF THE UNIVERSE??

Immediately, I dropped to my knees. Horrified at what was obviously happening inside of me, I cried out to God: "NOT SO, SOVEREIGN LORD! YOU CAN STOP THIS!! PLEASE, PLEASE STOP THIS! PLEASE, SAVE MY BABY! PLEASE, HELP ME CARRY THIS BABY TO TERM. PLEASE, MAKE THIS PREGNANCY STICK! PLEASE GOD!"

Then came the very, VERY clear response: "OR, I can promise you that you WILL meet her one day."

I looked up. What? Did I just hear that? Did I think that? WHY would I THINK THAT!?

No, that was an answer, directly from the Lord, God Almighty HIMSELF!

Yes, I cried.

But, I also surrendered

 There was nothing I could do to stop it. Also, I was worrying my other three kids sick. Besides. God just made me the BEST PROMISE possible.

I WILL MEET HER ONE DAY!

That is when it arrived. The strange peace. I will be OK. I have three beautiful, healthy children here on earth to continue caring for. And I have one beautiful baby girl waiting for us in heaven.

Yes, I had to continue the path I was on. I still wasn't bleeding much. I wasn't really in pain. But I knew how it would end. And yet, somehow, I was OK with that.

Then, at 5:30 that evening, it hit me. A crashing wave of pain like I have never felt before. I didn't even hurt this bad when I went into labor with my two boys. WOW. Now my prayer changed:

"God, help me through this!" to "GOD! PLEASE HELP ME! MAKE IT STOP!"

And suddenly, it did. I knew it was over. November, 29th at 6:30 pm, my baby was gone. No longer here on earth anyway, but somewhere MUCH, MUCH better. And I am OK with it.

I really am. I keep saying this in answer to all the inevitable questions: "I have a strange peace about it all."

Then I realized, why is it so strange? I know where it comes from! And it is not strange that our loving God would have mercy on a child of His and grant her peace over such a loss, instead of allowing her to wallow in deep sadness. No, instead He gave me the dream of Andy holding my daughter to SHOW me she IS OK. And He SPOKE to me the words of promise, that I WILL SEE HER one day.

And believe me, I KNOW it came from God Himself. How? Because if you know me even a tiny bit, you know I am waaaaaay emotional! I cannot control my emotions INSIDE of me for anything. I can control how I show them to the world, but inside of me, no way. And yet. Deep down, inside, I am really at peace. Yes, I lost my baby. My baby (girl?) that I dreamed of giving birth to in June 2010, that I already saw playing and running and dancing with her big sister and big brothers, will not experience any of those things.

But, I have a very real peace. The only reason I call it a Strange Peace is because to the everyone else, I should not be OK with this.  At least, not yet. Not just days after it happened at least. I had a kind co-worker tell me yesterday when I went to the office that she was worried about me. She didn't expect to see me this week. Not even next week. She was surprised I was there yesterday.

I don't say that to pat myself on the back - not at all. If it was up to me, I'd still be in bed bawling. But no, God replaced the grief in my heart with peace, hope, and yes, even joy. I HAVE ANOTHER BABY GIRL!  She will never suffer heartache, physical pain or sorrow. (As my sweet hubby gently reminded me.) She is with Jesus, celebrating His Love and Life this Christmas like we could only dream! And she is waiting.

Until we can all be together, forever.

We love you, baby Camryn.

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