A Sad Birthday

Today is my due date. Or, it would have been my due date if I had carried to term. And it is hitting me harder than I thought it would.


This is an unexpected turn of events for me. I thought I had dealt with the pain, and received a beautiful gift of peace and assurance.  
Coping with miscarriage is never easy, but I believe I grew closer to my God and family through it. Then I thought I was done. Finished with the grief, at peace with the loss and ready to move on.

But the date June 19, 2010 loomed ahead, yet I was sure I would remain un-phased.


Now, here it is and I am feeling surprisingly shaky. I still know my baby Camryn is with God, waiting to be joined by the rest of us when our time comes. I know we will meet one day. I know it is not my fault. And I know there is nothing I could have done to prevent it. My head knows all of this. Still, my heart yearns for my baby.


I don't know why  I am writing about this. It is awful and painful and yucky. Still, I felt the need to share it with you. Maybe one day a hurting mother-to-have-been will stumble across it and find hope in the grief. It is a process, I am learning. One that we have to go through or we will never heal. It is OK to grieve.  Actually, it is healthier to grieve. But do so with hope.


Also, I really needed to acknowledge to the world that I have a baby in heaven, and that baby hasn't been forgotten. Though we miss having her here with us physically, the rest of the world has forgotten we had a 4th because they can't see her amongst our other children. But I always will. Especially on June 19th. So, today we will celebrate the brief time we got to share with her, and focus on the hope we have that we will meet her one day.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY Baby Camryn!!! We Love You 

and can't wait to meet you.

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Reverting to Childhood

"I am digressing into a screaming teenage girl for the evening and will be thoroughly enjoying a NKOTB concert!!"  I texted to my facebook profile. OH the comments I received!

First of all, what's wrong with New Kids on the Block? OK, that needs no answer, but still, haven't you ever wanted to relive an exciting moment from your childhood?  It all goes by so fast.... and we don't even realize the treasure childhood is until we're out of it!

So, yes, I digressed into a screaming teenage girl for about 3 hours tonight. (With a certain friend who shall remain unnamed, per her request!!) It was silly. It was fun. It was freeing. I had no other responsibilities to worry about (thanks to my LOVELY hubby for that!!!). Ahh. It was refreshing!! THEY SANG 3 SONGS FROM THE MIDDLE OF THE AUDIENCE ARENA! They like disappeared off the stage and then reappeared just 5 rows behind us, coming up from the audience! It was so fun!


But it also made me realize one HUGE thing: My own kids are growing up waaaaaay too fast. My wonderful boss tells me often: "Have I ever told you life is like a roll of toilet paper? It goes faster as you get to the end!" So true! But our kids are in such a hurry to grow up, they don't realize it. (I was too, always looking to my next big birthday.... "when I turn 6 I'll be a big kid! When I turn 13 I'll be a teenager! When I turn 16 I'll be free! When I turn 18 I'll be an adult!" - WHY was I in such a hurry?!?)

Now my 4 year old is excited about his 6th birthday. HE  IS JUST ABOUT TO TURN 5!!!! But since we have his 5th birthday planned out, he's ready to start planning his 6th. I remind him. Slow down, let's enjoy being 5, I tell him. 6 will come soon enough. (Tomorrow? He asked!)  He's always one step ahead :) But this is one of my favorite things about being a mom: reliving a 2nd childhood!!

How can we make ourselves slow down and enjoy the moment? We should savor each one, the good and the not-so-good because each will pass quickly. And the not-so-good make us treasure the good!

By they way, the NKOTB concert rocked!

Slow down everyone. Savor the moment!  =)