A Sad Birthday

Today is my due date. Or, it would have been my due date if I had carried to term. And it is hitting me harder than I thought it would.


This is an unexpected turn of events for me. I thought I had dealt with the pain, and received a beautiful gift of peace and assurance.  
Coping with miscarriage is never easy, but I believe I grew closer to my God and family through it. Then I thought I was done. Finished with the grief, at peace with the loss and ready to move on.

But the date June 19, 2010 loomed ahead, yet I was sure I would remain un-phased.


Now, here it is and I am feeling surprisingly shaky. I still know my baby Camryn is with God, waiting to be joined by the rest of us when our time comes. I know we will meet one day. I know it is not my fault. And I know there is nothing I could have done to prevent it. My head knows all of this. Still, my heart yearns for my baby.


I don't know why  I am writing about this. It is awful and painful and yucky. Still, I felt the need to share it with you. Maybe one day a hurting mother-to-have-been will stumble across it and find hope in the grief. It is a process, I am learning. One that we have to go through or we will never heal. It is OK to grieve.  Actually, it is healthier to grieve. But do so with hope.


Also, I really needed to acknowledge to the world that I have a baby in heaven, and that baby hasn't been forgotten. Though we miss having her here with us physically, the rest of the world has forgotten we had a 4th because they can't see her amongst our other children. But I always will. Especially on June 19th. So, today we will celebrate the brief time we got to share with her, and focus on the hope we have that we will meet her one day.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY Baby Camryn!!! We Love You 

and can't wait to meet you.

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Random thoughts =)

I think too much. I really do! That is part of why it takes me so long to edit pictures. Or really, why it takes me so long to do anything! I over-think everything! That, and I'm a perfectionist.

I spoke with a friend recently who is so not like this and she told me "just don't do it!"

Hmm, I wish it was that easy. But even attempting not to is to fight agains the very core of my being! How does one overcome that?

No clue.

Just a random thought.

If you have any insight on this, please share!

Cutting Grass and Conquering Fears

My youngest son, JP, loves to help. His favorite thing to help with is cutting the grass. One of the first phrases he said when he started talking was "Pawpaw cut grass?" He would say it as soon as he saw Pawpaw put on his straw hat... his grass-cutting hat! Then he would run and get his little lawn mower to help. He has continued this fascination now for almost 2 years!

So I was really excited when he sat still enough for me to shoot this picture! It truly captures a memorable moment. This is a shot I got one day when he was "taking a break" from helping Pawpaw. I loved how he was just looking out at the overgrown grass in the backyard. What was running through his little mind? He got quiet & pensive and just stared!  (Which if you know JP, you know is RARE! The boy is hardly ever still!) But we attribute that to his passion. The boy is incredibly passionate, and he has no fear! He actually inspires me to act more on my passions.

For example, photography has long been a passion of mine, but fear has kept me from pursuing it. Fear also kept me from trying out for my high school musical and the school of music in college, but yay! Here I am years later finally pursuing a passion. Better late then never, huh?!  Yet, even now fear threatens to stop me: I had my first maternity portraits shoot this past Tuesday and boy was I ever nervous. My friend who was modeling was so patient and encouraging though so I was able to make it through the shoot. However, when I got home and viewed the pictures, I was disappointed in myself and the results I got.  They just didn't look how I pictured them in my head. I found myself thinking that maybe I should just stick to photographing my own kids and ditch this whole becoming-a-photographer thing.

But something has changed inside me... I want to keep going! A large part of that is the incredible amount of encouragement I am receiving from my sweet hubby and several great friends (one of whom IS a photographer!!). Another reason is that I see the whole world before my kids and I truly believe they can do anything God calls them to do, and would be heartbroken if they let fear stand in their way.  But how can I encourage them to conquer their fears & pursue their God-given passions if I don't do the same? So here I go... pushing through the fear. I promise to post those maternity pics if you want to see them.

*********Update*************
They are done! Click here if you'd like to see some of those maternity shots!

Time in a Bottle

When I was a little girl, my mom and I had two songs we called "our songs."  One of them was "You've Got A Friend" by James Taylor and the other was "Time In A Bottle" by Jim Croce. To this day when I hear those songs I get swept away to those moments in time. 

There are two vivid memories that stand out to me regarding these songs; these are the ones that especially come flooding back upon the first few notes of either song:

The first was right after we moved and I started a new school for 1st grade. I felt so alone and scared; I was painfully shy. It was recess and I remember sitting on top of the monkey bars alone, crying and singing the words to "You've Got A Friend" to myself, willing my mami to hear them and come rescue me:

"When your down and troubled
And you need a helping hand
And nothing, whoa nothing is going right.
Close your eyes and think of me
And soon I will be there
To brighten up even your darkest nights.
You just call out my name,
And you know wherever I am
I'll come running, oh yeah baby
To see you again...."

This song reminded me that she wanted to rescue me, even when I knew she couldn't. Just remembering that would make me feel better.

The other memory is when I was trying on her clothes and modeling them around the house, she got tears in her eyes and said
"if only I could save time in a bottle," and started singing that song to me:

"If I could save time in a bottle       
The first thing that Id like to do       
Is to save every day       
Till eternity passes away       
Just to spend them with you..."       

       Of course, when you're little you take everything literally, so I asked her what she meant by "saving time in a bottle" and how can someone possibly do that? If she could tell me how, I'd do it for her since she wanted it so bad!

Oh if I only knew how quickly time would pass, and what she meant by that. Now I find myself saying the same thing to my three little ones, and wishing I could find a way to keep time in a bottle. Maybe that's why I love photography so much, it is a way to freeze time and keep it forever. I try to take mental "snapshots" every day of those fleeting moments, but am always so thrilled when I capture them on film. This is what drives me, and why has become one of my biggest passions. But I know I owe it to my mom for making so very aware that nothing lasts forever. I think most kids (& grown-ups!) don't understand that until it is too late.

So Mami, thank you for teaching me to savor the little moments, even when I didn't understand.
HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!

And to all my mommy friends... remember everything your child does is a phase- the good ones and the not-so-good ones too- and they will (all too soon) pass, so try not to rush any of them. Focus on moments: just get through the tough ones and look forward to that inevitable yet fleeting next good one, and when it arrives, freeze it.
Then, save that moment in time in a bottle. ♥

(or a frame, LOL!)

It Matters to This One...

"A little boy was walking along the shore picking up starfish and throwing them back into the sea. A man walks up to him and asks him why he is even bothering, he can never save them all, so it doesn't really matter. And the little boy replies 'It matters to this one' and tosses one more back into the ocean."

Just had to share :)

The church is a whore, and she is my mother.

aThat is a quote from St. Augustine.

Before I offend, allow me to explain:

"The church IS the unfaithful bride of Christ, failing to live up to the marriage vows of Christ. But she is also my mother- I wouldn't be a christian today, and I would'nt know about Jesus and I wouldn't have the Bible if it wasn't for this thing called the church. It has carried the truth for all of its shortcomings" - Tony Campalo

This statement and its explanation have been in my head since I watched the documentary 

"Lord,  Save us from Your Followers" by Dan Merchant. Though it sounds harsh, it is so true and could be so healing, I believe, if everyone would acknowledge it - both Christians and non-Christians. So I had to post it, in hopes of Starting a Conversation. 

Basically yes, the church is very imperfect, but also very valuable.

Like it points out in the documentary, Bill Maher says he believes Jesus is a great person, a wonderful role model, if only Christians lived like He did! (Rough summary.) But it's true: so many people refrain from believing in Christ because of the hurtful interactions they have had with Christians. "They're hypocrites" they say.

Hence: The church is the unfaithful bride of Christ, a whore. We fail to live up to His standards. YES, we do. (Um, but I think that's the point, He loves us - and them- anyway!)

However, the latter part is just as true. Without the church we wouldn't have the Bible, and I wouldn't have my precious, thirst-quenching, peace-giving relationship with Christ. It is because of the church I met Jesus, which is why I am who I am today, so, yes, the church is also my mother.

This is one of my most heartbreaking struggles; it is something over which I cry myself to sleep at night on a regular basis.  I KNOW the peace I have experienced, where it came from, and the difference it made in my life before Christ and after. But I am not going to force it down anyone's throat. NO, it is something they have to decide for themselves; just as God gave me the free will to choose, He gave it to them as well. Does that mean I don't like them? Or love them? NOT AT ALL, in fact I love them tremendously! So I try to live in a way that hopefully, they will see I am not thirsty and ask for a drink of my water. 

Yet, they don't. Why? They never ask, and I never offer.

In fact, instead, they think I judge them. I condemn them. I don't love them at all. 

And we never discuss it to clear up the confusion.

Dan's entire point is that we need to converse.  We need to lovingly converse with each other about everything: our differences in opinions, our likes & dislikes, our joy & our anger, our offenses and defenses.

So, why is the gospel of love dividing America?..........

..........They're not feeling the love.

 With all that I am, after watching this movie, I want to try to converse more with everyone and share the love.

Masks

Why do we wear masks?

This question has haunted me forever. No, seriously, my entire life! I noticed the masks grown-ups would wear early on in childhood, and it baffled me. I also realized that sometimes, grown-ups would wear their masks so long or so well they forgot who they really were and/or who they used to be. I swore I would never be like that.

Except, now, I am.

Why do we do it? Is there anyway to overcome it? Since I discovered my grown-up mask I have been keenly looking around. I see a depth behind a stranger's eyes when I ask "How are you" but I get the usual reply  "Fine, how are you?" Then suddenly I hear the words "Fine thank you" come out of my mouth. Really? That's all I have to say about How I Am today? Rarely am I really fine. Usually I am overjoyed with something one of my kids just said or did. Sometimes I am heartbroken by the same. Other times I am grateful, happy, angry, jealous, surprised, confused, etc. Rarely am I just fine. But why is that always my answer? Why is it yours?

How can we get past that? What if we had the power to break the cycle and get past the mask to the real person behind it? Would we be friendlier? Less selfish? More peaceful?

I don't have the answers today. I  merely notices the phenomena and wanted to bring it to light. I hope to find a way of removing my mask and being more real in an effort to get past the masks of people I know, as well as those I don't. My first step... removing my mask online. From now on, I will not sugar coat my feelings when writing a post. Furthermore, I challenge myself to write more raw, honest posts.  I want to be real with you. It will be an experiment worth trying.

To be continued...