WOW! A Grasshopper!

I love when my kids yell "Look mom!" to show me something that has completely captured their attention. They are in awe and suddenly, everything else in the world can wait while they revel in their new discovery. Today it was a new trick they learned, (balancing and jumping off the couch just right) and I wished I had the video camera with me because the look on their faces was PRICELESS and I want to remember it forever. They were so proud, so excited, and just so content. Nothing else mattered!

It reminded me of this picture I took when we got home from Colombia this summer:

This grasshopper was waiting for us on our van and rode home with us most of the way! The boys were fascinated! And I caught it on camera! 

Man, I need to keep my cameras closer to me so I can capture more of these "wondrous" moments because eventually they stop. I wish they lasted forever, but unfortunately, we seem to lose that wonder of childhood somewhere along the way of growing up.

As adults we seem to just "push through" life and moments pass in a blur. Why is that?


I think we should try to allow ourselves some more "Look!" moments to just stop and stare in awe at an amazing sight or accomplishment. Maybe then life can start to become less hectic and blurry and more laid back and memorable.

Feed Your CORE DESIRE

HAHA! That sounds DANGEROUS! But when we REALLY understand what he meant by that, it makes perfect sense!

This is another one of those radio sermons I listened to that just blew me away. In Part 4 of his series called "Adding to your Faith", Pastor Mike Fabarez talks about self-control. He says all we have to do to maintain self-control is to keep one thing in mind: what we really want is to Feed Our Core Desire. The thing is, until we've come to know who we Really Are, we can't know what we Really Want.

You see, initially, we all read that statement and immediately think of things our flesh would desire: food, money, sex, material possessions, relationships, etc. etc. However, that's not who we Really Are.

So, you ask, WHO ARE WE then, REALLY? 

We are Children of God!!!

Now I know not everybody who may read this blog believes that. But there is proof inside your heart. The Creator made us all that way, to yearn for His presence, and His love. I know so many people who "have it all" by normal standards, yet the are incredibly unhappy. This is because they are NOT feeding their CORE DESIRE as they think they are. All the money, boyfriends/girlfriends, and stuff they have do nothing to quell the hunger deep inside. THIS IS HOW WE WERE DESIGNED!! 

So, how do you feed your core desire? First you accept who you really are. Click here to hear about it.

Once you accept that you are a child of God, saved by grace through faith because of the sacrifice of our sweet savior Jesus Christ, you have to begin to feed your true core desires. 

Colossians 3 says we are to put away our old earthly ways and put on our new self, which is being renewed in the image of our Creator! So the things our flesh desires are our old earthly ways, but your core desires are what your SOUL desires: to be made in the likeness of God! 

OK, that sounds great, but how do we APPLY it? Next time you are faced with temptation, ask yourself, is this really what I want?!" Think about it.... is it what YOU want or what your flesh wants?

EX: I struggle daily to exercise. (Among other things! I also struggle daily with reading my Bible, cleaning, and practicing my photography and cello. But for this example we'll stick with the exercising.) When it comes time to put on my sneakers and start my work-out, the couch starts calling me! As do the Doritos and Twix bars. Ohhhhh what a tough battle! But when I think about my core desire, I can tell my flesh NO! I DO NOT WANT TO SIT ON THE COUCH I WANT TO WORK-OUT!

 So basically... TELL YOUR FLESH WHO'S THE BOSS!

But, remember: your flesh will ALWAYS be one moment away from giving in to its desires. So your flesh is only one moment away from adultery, gluttony, materialism, etc. BE THE BOSS! It won't be easy. Like everything else, you must take it one step at a time. Moment by moment, make that conscience decision to be the boss and tell your flesh no, because you want to be more like Christ.

And parents, when your kids argue: Don't you trust me?! You can answer them "NO! Because though you have been made new in Christ, you still reside in a sinful world, in a body of flesh that desires the things of this world! We cannot ever give it an opportunity." (That's good advice for us parents too.)

Getting It Together

Whew! What a relief! 

I thought I was alone in this world as the only female who just could not get it together. (And yes, by “it” I mean anything and everything that we do or “should be” doing!) I was sure I was missing some essential genetic material that was causing me to fail miserably at all my feminine responsibilities.  But a simple poll on facebook today showed me maybe I am NOT alone! So for all the ladies who also just can’t seem to get it all together, let’s chat…

I’ll start with a confession: I’m a recovering Messy.  Admission is supposed to be the first step to healing, but it doesn’t feel like it so far.

Allow me to clarify: I don’t know how to clean. I don’t know how to organize. I don’t even know how to cook! But that’s an entirely different problem. However, they all contribute to my feeling like a complete failure as a wife and mom.  This has been a problem for me my entire life, but recently, say the past 3 years, it has really started to eat away at my self-confidence. 

So, I started to research “how-to’s” and was soooo excited by what I found! A WEALTH of information at my fingertips!! The Daily 7 to keeping your house clean, 365 Slow-cooker recipes, 45 Days to a clean house, Potty Training in 1 day!, 3 days to a well-behaved kid, and so on and so on. “I’ll have it together in no time!” I thought.  

Boy was I wrong!

And the more I failed, the worse I felt. Don't get me wrong, I am not depressed, in fact I am quite happy. I love my life and am grateful for all I have. But I feel like I am not being a good steward of all I've been given, ie, I am not properly caring for my family, my home, my friends, let alone myself. So I want to MAKE IMPROVEMENTS.

            = )                                                            And now I know, I AM NOT ALONE!

Therefore, I decided to turn my blog into a completely, 100% book wide-open journal of my journey from "getting it together" to "totally together". This is based on a GREAT blog I found, which is appropriately titled "Totally Together Journal" and the lady behind it has some wonderful tips and ideas for how we can start getting it together. But the more I read on her blog, the more I felt like a complete loser. In fact, all the blogs I found were by women who already had it all together or were well on their way. I did not find any books or blogs or notes or anything by any female who seemed to lack that essential genetic material I lack ;) Or else no one was writing about it. So here are some things I am going to start doing differently on by blog in the effort to be more candid about my journey and hopefully grow more effectively:

1. I will blog about about BOTH my ups and DOWNS. (Not just my ups!)
   
2. I will welcome comments, both positive and negative. (In the past I'd delete not-so-positive remarks because they hurt my feelings. Instead of realizing they can help me grow.)
   
3. I will try new things and keep what works and chunk was fails. (Instead of doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results. Um... isn't that the definition of insanity?)
   
4. I will go back and read old posts and relish in what I've learned from both my accomplishments and my mistakes! I will look back one day and see how far I've come!
   
5. Most importantly, I will encourage ALL OF YOU to walk this journey with me. Let's not be stagnant! Let's make improvements and enjoy the ride! There's no need for perfection! Just motivation! And what P-O-W-E-R there is in kind words of encouragement and constructive criticism from friends! I  hope as we start this dialogue of posts and comments that we will all learn and grow with each other. So please feel free to comment or send me ideas for posts or even entire posts to share.

This is not going to be easy. In fact, I've written this post and deleted 3 times already. I really would rather not share this with the world, as it is quite embarrassing. But I cannot ignore the voice telling me to do it anymore.

To start off on the right foot, one of the "new" things I will be trying is to illustrate my blog with my own photos. Usually I Google a keyword to find a cool picture to go along with my post. But since I am whole-heartedly pursing my photography passion, why not try to use my own? As if I could shoot cool enough pics! But I will try ;) It is a work in progress...

Anyway, above, you see a picture of my stack of tubs. I purchased these over a month ago with the idea of organizing in mind. Yet, there they sit. Unused. Taking up space. Ugh. But we'll get there! Hopefully sharing that picture of my unused tubs with you will help motivate me to put them to use, so I can repost their picture showing them in all their well-organized glory!


So, let me know what you think. We'll hash out what works and what doesn't. We'll make mistakes and learn from them. We'll cover anything and everything, laughing and crying in between.

We'll relish in the fact that we are perfectly imperfect! lol

  

Choosing Between Better or Best (Elegir Entre Bastante Bien o Lo Mejor)

Do you prefer good enough or the best?

Prefieres lo bueno o lo mejor? (Para leer esto en español haga clic aquí)

I'm cracking up at the thought of what I'm about to tell you because I really can’t believe it myself: recently I started to listen to sermons online!  It cracks me up because I remember my Grandma Lee listening to sermons on the radio or on tape and thinking to myself “why does she do that? She goes to church every Sunday, and she still wants to hear more preaching!?” I totally didn’t get it, but I did know it was because she loved the Lord, that much was obvious. I loved going to her house, it had a different feeling about it. She had a different way about her. But I did not understand her desire to read the Bible so much and listen to “extra” sermons all the time!

But OH! What God has revealed to me this week has completely blown me away! The more I listened, the more I wanted to hear! The more I learn, the less I realized I know and the more I wanted to study! Now, I must confess, I am nowhere near my Grandma Lee yet, but I am so excited to finally understand her!! I hope to one day be as good as she is at reading the Bible regularly and emanating the love of Christ as she does. 

I am so excited about this that I decided to begin blogging about what God’s teaching me to share with you these amazing sermons and see if we can all grow closer to Him together.

The first one I want to share with you is from Pastor Mike Fabarez from www.FocalPointMinistries.org and his series called “Adding to your faith”. They are available on their website if you want to listen to it yourself (HIGHLY recommend you do! It’s amazing! You can find the series here.)

He focused on the word “goodness” in 2 Peter 1:5, which says:  “…make every effort to add to your faith goodness…”

The word for goodness Peter used here was “agathosune” which meant more than just our word for good; it meant noble, moral, and excellent.

So God’s standard  for us is excellence- but we often think of our Christian walk as just a choice between good and bad. For example, if we don't kill anybody that means we are good!

But here we see that is not what God intended! He wants us to choose between better and BEST!

For example, when I wake up in the morning, I don't think to myself “Should I love my husband today or hate him?” But God wants me to take it further than that...

Pastor Mike goes on to show how this standard of excellence should affect our thoughts and our words:

1. Excellent Thoughts: Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”
   
   So if God demands we have excellent thoughts, then we have to do better than believing we are doing good because we don’t think about stealing when we go in a store. No, God wants excellence in our thoughts, so we have to be careful what we put in our head that guides our thoughts. Like that movie playing at the theatre. We don’t go see “bad” movies, but that’s not the choice! Are the movies we are watching excellent? What about the TV shows? Are they excellent? Preaching to the choir here because I know my favorite show probably would not fall into the excellent category.
   
   
2.  Excellent Words: Ephesians 4:29 “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
   
   WOW!  So not only does God want us to avoid unwholesome talk, but He wants us to use ONLY words that will build others up according to their needs (which may not always be necessarily easy to hear) AND to benefit the other people listening as well!! That’s a lot to think about before choosing our words!!
   

I wanted to share this because these words from Pastor Mike Fabarez really challenged me. I have blogged about how I feel God calling me to do MORE with my faith, my life. Hearing this message really felt like God was speaking right to my heart, challenging me to add to my faith.

Why should we want to add to our faith? That will be my next post. Please come back and read it; the answer to that question shook the foundations of my comfy life. I’ll leave you with a quote from Pastor Mike:

“In Real Estate, buyers often want to buy the nicest house at the cheapest possible price. Well we Christians do the same: we want all the best blessings of a good Christian life the cheapest possible price.”

THE BEST POTTY TRAINING EXPERIENCE - EVER!!

Yep! I said it!!! Though it was a battle and a nightmare the first time around, I learned something VERY valuable...   follow the leader!!!  (And, the leader is..... YOUR CHILD!!!)  THE RESULT?!.....   Quite possibly the BEST POTTY TRAINING EXPERIENCE EVER!!!!

Yes folks, I am happy to announce that JP is officially potty trained!!!! And how many days' struggle  effort did it take?   0!!!! Yep... that's a big fat goose egg you see!!!!!

HOW DID WE DO IT? Well, let me tell ya....



After my first battle with potty training left us all feeling like we were railroaded with everyone else's "you should's" and "Do this" and "you musts", this time around I felt like I was going to be in charge. I was NOT going to let peer pressure make me force JP into potty training, just because everyone jumps off a bridge doesn't mean we have to, right? I was also NOT going to let a preschool determine when my son was ready, NO... I was going to let HIM tell ME.  Oh sure, I encouraged it: we read books about potty training, and we talked about what a big boy he would be when he finally decided he is ready, and what big boy privileges will come with that decision. He really wanted Spider Man underwear, so we bought him some and told him when he was ready, he could put them on. But not until he was SURE he was ready.

Low and behold, I come home from work last Friday and guess what ?! My BABY BOY IS WEARING UNDERWEAR!!!!   How did this happen? I asked Granny, my awesome mother-in-law who keeps the kids for me while I am at work.

"Well," she said, "he came up to me this morning and said he was a big boy now and he did not need diapers anymore, that he wanted to wear his big boy Spider Man underwear."

"AND? How did he do? Any accidents today?!" I timidly asked.

"Not a one!" She declared!!! "He has diligently told me each time he needs to go, #1 AND #2, with perfect timing all day!"

I COULD NOT believe my eyes or ears. But surely there would be a learning curve, I thought to myself.

YET... here we are a week later and still.... NO ACCIDENTS!!!! I am in shock as I did not expect it to go this easy. Sure I was told it would be easier this time around, especially since he has a big brother to watch. But secretly, I feared because we are still having issues with HC's timing. He still has accidents and he is 5! So I was unsure how JP would do. But I just had to go ahead and post this because I think in this case, the potty has been conquered quite effortlessly, and I hope it is an encouragement to those moms like I used to be who are unsure if this day will ever come for them. I really, truly believe the key was letting K take the lead in this one.

The Call

How do you know when God calls you? This is not a rhetorical question. If you have an experience that might answer this, please, leave a comment below and share it with us. We are eager to know.

I wish it was as obvious as this picture. Or Bill Engvall's "Here's your Sign". 

You see, Chris and I have been on a journey for about 6 years now. A journey we thought was culminating soon to the purpose God had planned all along, but now we feel as lost as we did 5 years ago. It seems the closer we get, the farther we are. The more time we spend with Him, the less we understand. Though, you would think it would be the other way around.

I'm going to do my best to explain this, but, you see, it is a general overwhelming feeling that is really tough to put into words. This is going to be a long, seemingly random hodgepodge of stories. Nevertheless, if you feel like reading, here goes:

Six years ago, Chris and I were still fairly newlyweds: 3 years, but no kids, enjoying married life, our jobs  and  hanging out with friends. But we started to feel unsettled. There has to be more to life. Yes, we wanted kids, and they would come, in time. But we felt like God wanted us to do even more. We are both shy by nature, uncomfortable until we really get to know someone, yet we both have this passion for people. Especially youth. We were working for a church, Chris as a youth leader and I was the part-time secretary. We were building our new Real Estate business. Chris was also teaching and I was finishing school to become a teacher as well as working a great local small business getting to use my Spanish. Yes, we were juggling many balls in the air. Still, we felt like God wanted MORE.

Since then, we've added three kids here and one in heaven. Plus two in Colombia we feel are our own though we can't bring them home due to immigration's red tape. We have served in various churches and made a full circle coming back to our home church at Burnt Hickory Baptist. And the feeling that God wants MORE has only gotten stronger.

We thought it would be fulfilled by adopting Brayan and Yorely, but the more we obeyed the more red tape we were dealt.

When Chris was layed off we thought maybe God wanted to send us elsewhere for a job. In an attempt at obedience, Chris sent out applications all over. No reply.

Before we get any farther, let me explain that I do know that God has given us one of the most important ministries you could have: our kids. We value that tremendously and do not take it lightly. However, as we go about our day-to-day activities, I still have this incredibly unsettled feeling that He wants me to do MORE.

We have inside us a burning passion for three major groups of souls:

1. Kids & teens who need love.
2. Young people who are bombarded through music, TV and movies with the cultural message that pre-marital sex is not only OK, but necessary in a relationship in today's modern world.
3. Married couples who face struggles with sexual temptation outside of God's beautiful design.

This passion is an all-consuming, deep-burning fire inside both of us. And so far, with no outlet. What happens to a building when an all-consuming fire burns within it? It implodes and falls apart. That is pretty much where we are today.


***Don't get me wrong, we love our life and we realize we are greatly blessed. And we are GRATEFUL.***

 But it is this very grattitude that creates in us the desire to give back. To serve our Father who has lavished so many blessings upon us.

Yet we remain lost in the dark. So many paths we thought He was guiding us on have failed:

• Real Estate: We sincerely thought we were called to provide a much needed service (Real Estate) in a much needed different way (with honesty, integrity and no-compromise dedication) - not that there aren't any such Realtors already, however, we know from experience, there are not many. The industry is overrun with deciet, selfishness, and general lack of customer service. It has been tough holding the line of black & white, right and wrong. So many in this industry believe in "gray areas". However, as much as we have poured into this business, it has yet to succeed. And I am not sure how much longer I wish to pursue it.
  
  
• Other Careers: Besides Real Estate, I have also had the dream, desire, or calling (?) to:
• be a history, music or drama teacher
• pursue photography
• write fiction novels
• write books about God's beautiful amazing design for sex
  
  All of these are paths I could see God leading me on to reach people for Him. I have unfinished pieces, schooling, or projects for all of the above, and more. Many people struggle with finding what they "want to be when they grow up." Though I genuninely love what I do as a part-time stay at home mom, sales rep and Realtor, I still feel like I am not where God wants me.
  
   
• Adoption: We both knew we were called to adopt since we got married. We trusted God would show us the who, when, where and how when His time was right. We were sure this was confirmed in July with Yorely and Brayan. However, since then, one road block after another, it seems like perhaps He is still saying "not yet." With Yorely's 16th birthday arriving in March, the deadline is quickly approaching.
  
  
• Youth Work: We have lovingly and excitedly served in various churches. Just when it seems like things were about to "take off" God gave us a clear sign it was time to move on. We have had to leave so many students we had fallen in love with, churches we grew to be family with, and goals we were about to see met. It was all in God's timing and we heard of wonderful, great things that occurred with each group after we left. Still, it hurt to not be a part of that.

I know it may seem like I am being ungrateful, and I assure you I am not. I truly love my life. I feel genuinely spoiled by my Abba Daddy. Precisely so, I want to serve Him. I want to share this love inside me that feels about ready to explode. I was to let this burning passion consume others for Him. But how? This is a question I have yet to clearly hear Him answer. I have so many ideas coming at me a hundred miles an hour, but no outlet. No confirmation from Him where and how to do them.

I am about ready to implode, so I had to let it out somehow. This post was more a therapeutic one than a purposeful one. Unless, of course you know how to answer the question. = )

********************UPDATE: 2/5/10***********************

HOLY WOW!

Since posting this, I had many friends and family members make suggestions, and I thank you! I was humbled by your suggestions, and honored by the idea of some of the things you could see me doing. And your encouragements let me to seriously think about your suggestions. Then after a series of events, I suddenly find myself studying photography and getting help from two professional portrait photographers! I AM BLOWN AWAY!

It is amazing how God leads us, step by step through the plan He already has for us. When I posted this I was feeling stuck in a rut, and with no direction to go in. Now, I am thoroughly enjoying my photography studies, and thrilled at the idea that this may really be my calling. I have met so many people already and can see how this could lead to meeting many, many more. And since life is all about relationships to me, what a perfect avenue this could be! I can't wait to see where God takes me from here.

"Strange" Peace?

This is going to be a tough post to write, but it is one many of you have encouraged me to write, so here goes.

Many of us walk through storms, and our Father in Heaven promises to see us through. Last week, I walked through a storm. However, I know I wasn't alone. It was one of those experiences that  no one can ever take away from me. One of those experiences that I will remember forever, and for that I am grateful. No, the circumstances weren't good. They were awful in fact. But the closeness I felt with God is irreplaceable.


On October 10, 2009, we found out I was expecting again! Baby #4!!! We were shocked, surprised, nervous and very excited. It wasn't planned, but we relished the idea anyway. Already, we all started dreaming about this new little bundle of joy. The boys were thrilled and started coming up with names! They were sure it was another baby sister.

However, on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, I started bleeding. My sweet husband researched it online and found that though bleeding during pregnancy is not good, it does not always mean trouble. I called my doctor and she put me on bedrest. "If anything changes, go to the hospital. Otherwise, stay resting until we can see you on Monday," she said. Of course, this occurs over a holiday weekend! 4 days I had to wait to see my doctor, unless something changed, which, of course, I didn't want it too. Things didn't look too bad so I resolved myself to remain optimistic.

I started focusing on wonderful dream I had the week before, the night before my birthday. In that dream, all my family and friends had come over to celebrate with me, and we were grilling on the back deck. I excused myself to go lay down as I was still in the very tired stage of the pregnancy, and when I layed down I fell asleep and had a dream. In the dream I got up and re-joined my family and friends on the back deck and I saw an old dear friend. He was one of my best friends, someone we all still love very much. He passed away too young in the year 2000, but he still effects our lives to this day, as I still find myself mourning the physical loss and all I have not been able to share with him. Andy Parish. God has used him and his memory to speak to me before though. But this time, I thought to myself, as the dream felt so real... how are you here? And he replied, "I want to introduce you to your daughter," and he held her out for me. They were both so real. I touched them both, their hair, their hands, and they felt as real as if I touched yours. What a joy!

I woke up startled but realized it wasn't just a dream. It was confirmation that my good friend Andy was still with us, though in Spirit and waiting for us in Heaven. And he had already met my baby girl!!! I held on to this as confirmation that everything would be ok.

I think I drove Chris crazy though, because he could tell I wasn't fully letting go. I was obsessing, as I tend to do. So, I started praying.

"Please God, help this baby be OK. Please make the bleeding stop. Please help us get better."

That was all I could do. I felt so helpless.

By Friday, the bleeding had not stopped. Actually, it had increased.  I began to fear the worst. I called the doctor again:

"Are you in pain?"  No.

"Are you bleeding a lot in 1 hour?" No.

"Then you're fine. No need to worry. The fact that we saw the baby on a sonogram on November 13th is a very good sign. Just rest and we'll see you first thing Monday morning."

"OK, calm down Dianne" I thought to myself. But I knew. I felt what was happening.

Sunday morning came, and I was not allowed to go to church. Bored out of my mind, I picked up my Bible and started to read, mostly to distract myself. Not because I was feeling super-godly. Then, I read something that stopped me in my tracks: Ezekiel.

God is giving Ezekiel instructions about a very specific message He wanted Ezekiel to deliver to Israel. But, one particular set of instructions just horrified Ezekiel. "Not so Sovereign Lord!!" He cried out, and begged God not to make him do that particular thing. (I'll spare you the really gross details, but if you're curious you can read it in chapter 4 of Ezekiel.)

What happened next blew me away though: God said "Very well, I will let you do it this way instead of that way."

EZEKIEL CHANGED GOD'S MIND!!!!!

What was this? A MAN changed the mind of the GOD OF THE UNIVERSE??

Immediately, I dropped to my knees. Horrified at what was obviously happening inside of me, I cried out to God: "NOT SO, SOVEREIGN LORD! YOU CAN STOP THIS!! PLEASE, PLEASE STOP THIS! PLEASE, SAVE MY BABY! PLEASE, HELP ME CARRY THIS BABY TO TERM. PLEASE, MAKE THIS PREGNANCY STICK! PLEASE GOD!"

Then came the very, VERY clear response: "OR, I can promise you that you WILL meet her one day."

I looked up. What? Did I just hear that? Did I think that? WHY would I THINK THAT!?

No, that was an answer, directly from the Lord, God Almighty HIMSELF!

Yes, I cried.

But, I also surrendered

 There was nothing I could do to stop it. Also, I was worrying my other three kids sick. Besides. God just made me the BEST PROMISE possible.

I WILL MEET HER ONE DAY!

That is when it arrived. The strange peace. I will be OK. I have three beautiful, healthy children here on earth to continue caring for. And I have one beautiful baby girl waiting for us in heaven.

Yes, I had to continue the path I was on. I still wasn't bleeding much. I wasn't really in pain. But I knew how it would end. And yet, somehow, I was OK with that.

Then, at 5:30 that evening, it hit me. A crashing wave of pain like I have never felt before. I didn't even hurt this bad when I went into labor with my two boys. WOW. Now my prayer changed:

"God, help me through this!" to "GOD! PLEASE HELP ME! MAKE IT STOP!"

And suddenly, it did. I knew it was over. November, 29th at 6:30 pm, my baby was gone. No longer here on earth anyway, but somewhere MUCH, MUCH better. And I am OK with it.

I really am. I keep saying this in answer to all the inevitable questions: "I have a strange peace about it all."

Then I realized, why is it so strange? I know where it comes from! And it is not strange that our loving God would have mercy on a child of His and grant her peace over such a loss, instead of allowing her to wallow in deep sadness. No, instead He gave me the dream of Andy holding my daughter to SHOW me she IS OK. And He SPOKE to me the words of promise, that I WILL SEE HER one day.

And believe me, I KNOW it came from God Himself. How? Because if you know me even a tiny bit, you know I am waaaaaay emotional! I cannot control my emotions INSIDE of me for anything. I can control how I show them to the world, but inside of me, no way. And yet. Deep down, inside, I am really at peace. Yes, I lost my baby. My baby (girl?) that I dreamed of giving birth to in June 2010, that I already saw playing and running and dancing with her big sister and big brothers, will not experience any of those things.

But, I have a very real peace. The only reason I call it a Strange Peace is because to the everyone else, I should not be OK with this.  At least, not yet. Not just days after it happened at least. I had a kind co-worker tell me yesterday when I went to the office that she was worried about me. She didn't expect to see me this week. Not even next week. She was surprised I was there yesterday.

I don't say that to pat myself on the back - not at all. If it was up to me, I'd still be in bed bawling. But no, God replaced the grief in my heart with peace, hope, and yes, even joy. I HAVE ANOTHER BABY GIRL!  She will never suffer heartache, physical pain or sorrow. (As my sweet hubby gently reminded me.) She is with Jesus, celebrating His Love and Life this Christmas like we could only dream! And she is waiting.

Until we can all be together, forever.

We love you, baby Camryn.

.